Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Embracing Love's Imperfections: A Guided Advent Journey
As the holiday season wraps us in its festive embrace, it also unwraps layers of emotions for many of us navigating the complexities of love and relationships. Our latest podcast peels back the intricate layers of the emotional challenges couples may face. We delve into the art of attunement, stressing the importance of tuning in to our partner's feelings, and share how embracing vulnerability and honest communication can be the ribbon that ties a relationship stronger amidst the holiday hustle.
Moving deeper, we reflect on the multifaceted nature of accepting love. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of these themes, offering listeners a compass to guide them through the emotional terrain of giving and receiving love, wrapped up with practical strategies for appreciating the love that surrounds us – in all its imperfect glory.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, it's our last podcast in the Advent series.
Brad Aldrich:Yay, yeah, alright, excellent. So I hope that you've been enjoying this season of Advent, of getting ready for Christmas, not just yourself, but getting ready in your marriage for what that season looks like.
Kate Aldrich:Give me in your heart and allow me not to impact your marriage.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and that's. Brad, you're like huh I have to think about that. No, you're exactly right. I think that's the goal. Right is that we grow personally and that that grows us towards our spouse.
Kate Aldrich:Yep, that doesn't necessarily mean there's the absence of conflict or rough things, because it's a season.
Brad Aldrich:It's a season that's often hard for people, as we've said, and that's where I want to keep coming back to is I think this is a really challenging season for couples, for anyone who's you know come from a family.
Kate Aldrich:Which, well, if you cannot, everybody comes from a DNA family, but if you cannot identify your family, that also has a lot of stuff with it.
Brad Aldrich:So whether you're spending this holiday season with your family, or you are not. There is challenges in that right. There are stuff in there that gets us kind of I don't know feeling something right, of course, yeah, of course.
Kate Aldrich:There's just so much there with holidays and getting together and all those things. So, yeah, it's just holding space for that, honoring that and trying to identify what those that's are.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, over and over again.
Brad Aldrich:Well, and you know, I talked to a client of mine recently who had, for many reasons, not had a relationship with his mom for a number of years and he decided, after a lot of work, that it was time to give her a call.
Brad Aldrich:So he did and he reached out and they had a conversation and he actually was like it went okay, and then later that night I had a fight with my wife and I have no idea why, and I was like, oh, and he didn't see the two as connected, but it and like the topics weren't connected, correct, but the emotions certainly were right.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:And just the vulnerability and the emotional exhaustion of you know. Making that phone call was a challenge and it just ended up in a place of getting upset with each other.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and it could have also been pent up emotions towards his mom Like oh yeah sure the conversation went well. I don't know anything about this person, but I'm sure the conversation went well. But there's emotions from the past. There's emotions, and if we don't recognize them and take care of them which we all don't do at times like this isn't something Brad and I are perfect at either they're going to come out somewhere.
Brad Aldrich:And I think that's the challenge in holidays and Christmas, because we walk into it going. I just want to have a good time, I just want to have a nice, you know time with my family, so I want to not have all of those emotions come out Right and so we kind of bottle them up and then they come out somewhere well, and For many people they're not safe to come out around your family, right?
Kate Aldrich:So you don't have really a choice. Your family has Set you up to plug them and then you know it's really easy. You get home from a family event and your kids build something or who knows like right a driver cuts you off. And it's like oh, now I have a reason to Let this out, and all of this and everyone around you is like, wow, that didn't seem measured for what just?
Brad Aldrich:right right.
Kate Aldrich:Right, I don't know. I can only speak from experience. I've gotten a lot better at it, but that used to be my kind of go-to.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, when we were younger, and I just think it's so important for us to be aware Not only of how that happens for us, but how it happens for our spouse. Yeah right and just be aware of. You know when those extra emotions are coming somewhere, that they often do, you know, come out at times where they shouldn't and it's like try to. How do we direct that and how do we help them to Direct that in the well healthiest way and how do you?
Kate Aldrich:also, if you have those emotions, you're the one having them. How do you figure out how to be vulnerable and honest with your spouse? Instead of just, you know, I don't know lots of different things.
Brad Aldrich:That's good.
Kate Aldrich:However, the emotions coming out, whether it's you're, annoyed you're, you're Putting distance between you and them, like so what does it look like for you to be able to just say, hey, I'm still working it out, but I think this upset me, like you know, and just be vulnerable because we can try to be attuned with our spouse. But ultimately, it's my job to let you know what's going on and your job to let me know what's going on with you.
Kate Aldrich:It's not my job to be the detective All right, so you said this word attunement.
Brad Aldrich:And since we're heading into this topic of Our last advent, emotion of love. I think actually that word is a pretty good place to start. What does attunement mean?
Kate Aldrich:Just Simpli. Simplistically, I mean, there's a lot of complexities to attunement, but it just means being able to Be with someone and be in tune with what's going on now. That doesn't always mean you know exactly what's going on, but you know something's going on. Yeah so you're reading their body language, their emotions, their voice, all the different things you know. With our teenagers, it's like, okay, I see something's going on and I've asked several times and nothing.
Brad Aldrich:Nothing which is well super common nature. Response.
Kate Aldrich:Well, it is, but also it can be a very adult response too. But it's like but I keep saying, well, I send something, so if you want to talk about it, let me know. Right, so it's like me Sensing something now. That could also be me being worried you know they're teenagers or whatever. So it isn't always an indicator that there's something wrong with your kids, but being in tune means you've learned their personality and learned when something's off and you ask about it.
Brad Aldrich:Sure.
Kate Aldrich:They get to choose whether they enter in or not.
Brad Aldrich:And I think that is a interesting place of expressing and showing love in a relationship, because it is a level of connection of really seeing somebody, and Kate and I were talking about you know this topic and where we wanted to go, and we kind of said, well, we're a marriage podcast. Like the love emotion should be easy, but in many ways this is a pretty complex one, right? Because, well, love isn't easy and I know we deal with a lot of couples that have struggled to figure out what love is.
Brad Aldrich:And we really were kind of discussing what does it mean to receive love in this space? What does it mean to be loved, if you will?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, and the you know the spirit of Advent is we get the choice to receive God's love of His Son or not. And what does that look like and how do we view that? How safe does that feel? All kinds of things and those things are going. How we view that, whether we interact with that or not, is gonna be deeply impacted by our own story, our own earthly examples of love, what we were taught love is like. We take in all kinds of message from our parents of what is loving and what is not.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and this is why, when we are meeting with couples, we often are asking them things like how did you see love expressed in your home, either between your parents, if they? Were together or how your parents loved you. And. I can't tell you the number of times people look at me and they're like I don't know.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:I don't have a clue Right. And then they kind of wonder why they're having trouble either giving or receiving love in their marriage right. Because, there just really isn't a model for them to do it.
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm, yeah, and even when I think we can get to a point where we receive God's love, the gift of His Son, the whole point of Advent, like it, does not always then translate. First of all, we still have doubts because that's very human, but it doesn't translate to then automatically. Oh, I love my spouse perfectly. I love myself perfectly.
Brad Aldrich:No Right.
Kate Aldrich:Right, it's, it's harder to walk out. I think this one it's interesting, we were as each one was going on. We're like sometimes it feels like one morphs into the other with peace and joy and love and all of the different ones, but this one feels a little bit more hard to make it tangible.
Brad Aldrich:Mm-hmm, it does because, yeah, you're right, we have the example of God's love, but there is this challenge that God's love is very sacrificial, mm-hmm, you know. It talks in Ephesians 5. It says husbands, love your wives, like Christ loved the church, which is a sacrificial, putting them first, love up until the point of death. Well, that's a model that all of us can strive for, but, man, none of us are really going to meet right. So there is this challenge out there of it's imperfect.
Kate Aldrich:It is.
Brad Aldrich:And I think many of us have had 1 Corinthians 13 read, probably at our weddings or you know other things like that. A lot of times I see it when people do marriage sermons. They pull out the love chapter. You know love is kind and you know all of these things. Well, the reality is all of that is perfection. Mm-hmm. Right Love keeps no record of wrongs. Well, I don't know anyone who can do that perfectly. Right, right. And love is not selfish. Well, yes, it is. I mean, all of us are.
Kate Aldrich:Right. So then, why is that? Why do we have that scripture? Well, I think Well why is one?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think that scripture is there to show us how and what it means that God loves us.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:It is about him loving us, not about necessarily how we're supposed to love each other, although that then becomes the model of how we love each other and I think it really shines in the face and says we can't, we are unsuccessful at doing this thing.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And we're supposed to keep trying, but we're going to keep missing it.
Kate Aldrich:So it actually points to Advent, because we need something that can bridge that gap.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:Which is Jesus, right, like, yeah, god set up lots of other things before Jesus to make everything okay for us that we could do, and there just never will be enough. Mm-hmm, yeah, right, and I think, yes, that first Corinthians is to show God's how God loves us and then also to give us the model, like you said, and then remind us, no matter what you do, you can't meet this.
Brad Aldrich:Right, right Without Jesus. And I think it gets a little even more complicated because even if we try to love our spouse really well, there's many times that they're not willing, or seem to be not willing, to receive that love.
Kate Aldrich:Or maybe can't.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Right, Because they're on their own journey of trying to understand how they receive love. Because it's hard and yeah, Again, going back to like how'd you grow up? What does it feel like to be loved? When did you not feel loved? Right? Whenever your spouse is gonna hit into all those things, doesn't matter who you marry.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I mean at its core Actually Loving and being loved is vulnerable you are risking a person hurting you. Yeah, I by receiving love, and I think many times we, you know, feel that hurt or we feel afraid of being hurt, and so we keep them at arm's length.
Kate Aldrich:Hmm, yeah, that makes sense.
Brad Aldrich:It's a question to be thinking about of, like how do we receive? Or how good are we at receiving love from your spouse? Mm-hmm. And that can go into how good are we at receiving gifts from our spouse, sure, from how good are we at receiving words or compliments of praise from your spouse?
Kate Aldrich:so all the, the five loving, which is right, like not not necessarily which one are you, but those are all and they're not. They're not the end all. There are other ways to show love too, but those things when your spouse does them, how?
Brad Aldrich:How do you receive them right, right, so you know, are you able to receive? Yeah is. And you know somebody says let's say, take words you know, words of affirmation If somebody you know says wow, you really did that very well, you know, or?
Brad Aldrich:that that meal was fabulous, or you know, I so appreciate how you provided for us, or whatever. If your spouse gives those words of affirmation, are you able to sit there and receive them and say Thank you, or is your tendency to go no, no, no, it's nothing I did, it was fine. Yeah and kind of deny them.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, and I think you know, just thinking along those lines with everything else, the reality is we want desperately to be loved as a people. We need a saviour's love, like we were designed for that to be loved. But it is hard for most of us to be loved.
Brad Aldrich:Why do you think it is? Why do you think it is that it's hard to receive, whether it be a compliment, whether it be you know God's love? Why do you think that's so hard?
Kate Aldrich:I mean, without being too theological, I think it goes back to the fall, like we were created to be in a loving relationship with the Trinity. You know, like all of that and that was shattered the moment sin came in, and so Us being able to receive that love has been Shattered and we try to pick up pieces of it. But the reality is we don't know fully how to be loved and I don't think we will till heaven. But it is still a piece of God's blessing to us and I think he wants us to feel it and receive it. But it is hard for all of us because we are unworthy in some senses. We feel unworthy and then yet God says I have made you worthy again, so like. But there's all of that, it's not just we don't live in the. We are worthy again.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I guess I always go back to and think about what Brennan Manning talked about of just having this inner sense of Well, if they actually knew all of my inner thoughts. If they only knew my inner me, then they wouldn't actually love me. So we kind of like discount that you know somebody else is even gods care and love for us. Sure, because we know the things going on deeper inside.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah. So you're saying like with our spouse, if they knew everything, they wouldn't Right, right.
Brad Aldrich:So we kind of predict the rejection because, well, we're all Sinful, right like we all have things where we fall short right right, and so then we kind of go well, yeah, okay, I maybe did that nice or good but, they don't. They don't actually love me. We could write we kind of just automatically reject it, whether and that could be you know words of affirmation that could be an active service that they did, that could be a, you know anyway.
Brad Aldrich:You know, and here we are, christmas like how do you do Christmas gifts Right Like? I think, a lot of people have trouble receiving them and People trouble giving them to some people have trouble giving them.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I'm curious, like just thinking about it. We often have trouble receiving love ourselves, but then we have deep Expectations that are rooted in fear and insecurity of our spouse expectations. We expect for them to love us, yet we struggle to receive it, even if they can bring it. And I think that is a huge challenge because I think many of us You're saying we have expectations in how our spouse should love us.
Brad Aldrich:But then when they do, we still have trouble receiving it.
Kate Aldrich:Correct, and we but we get in this vicious cycle of well, if you loved me more, and better it would be better, and yet I don't think most people can actually receive it anyway. So there's this very imbalance of expectation and ability to receive.
Brad Aldrich:I think that's correct. I also think that goes back to the vulnerability thing I was saying before. Like you know, loving is vulnerable. So we want our spouse to be vulnerable first, because then that makes it safe for us to be vulnerable, Because if we love in a certain way, or give in a certain way or whatever, and they don't reciprocate, it feels very vulnerable, for lack of a better word right. And so I think there is this challenge of trying to receive what we think we're giving.
Kate Aldrich:Trying to receive what we think we're giving, but I think we often overestimate our own contributions of love.
Brad Aldrich:I talk to so many guys who are authentically and in many ways they're right. But they will say things like but I work 60 hours a week and that's my act of loving my wife and family and it's like, yeah, you're making a paycheck sure.
Kate Aldrich:Because there are people who aren't doing that.
Brad Aldrich:So it is a piece it is for sure, but that's very different.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, I think every wife should, or husband, because there can be wives who are doing that, too, should absolutely honor that and call that out and be thankful and thank their spouse for that. Because it isn't just nothing, However. There is a part of like. Well, I also stay home and clean the house and take care of the children, and that's my act of loving you. I'm not sure that would go over super well.
Brad Aldrich:Exactly right, and that's the thing is. So then we expect, like this grand gesture of love, because we overestimate what we're doing, as those grand gestures right and not saying that either taking care of the kids or working whatever, you know, like those are acts of love, but they're just not the grand gesture we interpret them as. And then we expect our wife to be or husband to be fawning over and meeting all our needs.
Brad Aldrich:And that's where I think things fall apart. We need to kind of recognize we're on an even playing field. We both need to learn how to express love and, honestly, we both need to learn how to receive it.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, absolutely. So what would you tell someone if they're struggling to receive it? Well, most people are, so what would you tell them?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think most of us do at some points. One is just to really recognize what it means that somebody's doing something, saying something, giving something because of the love they feel, and see it as that, even if it's imperfect, like see it as that act of love and try to receive it right.
Brad Aldrich:I would say really caution your words and work towards just saying thank you rather than the immediate denial. Right, it's the oh no, I don't know, I didn't need that or you shouldn't have, but that are very common. But I think we need to kind of go further to just say thank you and whatever that gift is.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, or I say you can say like I appreciate that, like something where you're acknowledging the gesture as you are working towards it, or maybe for some people it's just smiling and nodding to keep yourself from letting the negative go out.
Brad Aldrich:Sure and then right, like there probably is time, or I'm trying to receive.
Kate Aldrich:That Can also be like I'm working on receiving those words, Like that's hard for me but I'm working on it, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So I think that's something to pay attention to and recognize where it's coming from when you're receiving a gift or of love whatever that looks like yeah. And recognize that you deserve being loved.
Kate Aldrich:Right, and of course I'm like a broken record. Bow, I'm gonna go back to you digging in a little to what what has shaped, that, that trouble to receive, because all of us have it, but everybody's shaping looks a little different and when we can understand how we were loved or how we weren't, or what love looked like and we can dig into a little bit, I think sometimes we can own and see the pitfalls for what they are and not be mad at ourselves, but just be like oh well, that is hard for me because of this, and Sometimes giving ourselves some gentleness and kindness towards it doesn't make it such an unknown enemy anymore.
Brad Aldrich:It's good. Yeah, I don't know so I hope that you have some experiences to challenge yourself, to receive love this holiday season, and Not just from your spouse but, from your family, but also from God. Yeah, trying to see what that actually means to receive those gifts. Yeah and you know, looking at how do we Allow that love to impact our hearts.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah so. I've done is all about that's right so.
Brad Aldrich:So we hope that this series and this time that you've had to think about these intense emotions of hope, peace, joy and love and how they impact you and impact your marriage. It's something that you continue to grow in throughout the whole year. Absolutely so we've had a lot of fun Spending this time with you and we hope that you enjoy it until next time. On still becoming one. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still becoming one is a production of Aldrich ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching, ministry Courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at Aldrich ministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.