Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Asking for More Sex: Becoming Sexually Confident
You've been stuck feeling like roommates and don't know how to ask for more sexual intimacy. OR maybe your spouse is the one asking but in ALL the wrong ways. This episode promises to equip you with the tools to understand and navigate sexual frequency concerns that both partners often experience. Tune in as we share candid insights and anecdotes about setting realistic expectations, fostering open communication, and addressing awkward yet essential conversations about intimacy. You'll leave with practical strategies to find a middle ground that works for you and your partner.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Wow, that was a cheery greeting. It was like it's sunny and lovely outside.
Brad Aldrich:And it is not.
Kate Aldrich:It's not outside and it is not. It's not, yeah, no, it is rainy and yucky and while we're not in the path of the hurricane.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, a lot, a lot of people just were. So yeah, breaks my heart, those pictures oh, my goodness, so, but we hope that this is finding all of you Okay. I hope so for sure. And Restoring. We had such a wonderful time last week with Shannon and had some really good conversations about what is this sexual confidence thing?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, on tap.
Brad Aldrich:Sexual confidence on tap, that's right.
Kate Aldrich:I really like your name.
Brad Aldrich:I said that last time, so we thought we would actually kind of follow up that conversation with this idea that we hear often and it's not just from husbands, although you know that's kind of the stereotype, but we do hear it often from couples of somebody saying I want to have more sex in our marriage, and you know, then it's this thing of they feel like they've tried and all they get is stonewalled and they don't know what to do.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, and I think you know, obviously when we meet with couples like that, we have to dig a little bit to see when did it start? How did it start? Lots of other things, like lots of things, contribute to it.
Brad Aldrich:It's not just asymmetrical because I think most people feel like it's a us-them problem One person wants more and so then the other person isn't, is the problem Right, and I think it really does need to be looked at.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think many times. Both people actually want more, but the one with lower desire, for lack of a better term, doesn't know how to get there.
Brad Aldrich:Like obviously the other Doesn't know how to express it maybe.
Kate Aldrich:No, I don't think it's that Like. I think when you and I went through our journey it's one part that doesn't get talked about I wasn't like, oh yeah, I just don't ever want to have sex again, right? Right. Like I wished we were in a better place with it too. I wished I wanted it more. I just didn't know how we could get to that place right, yeah, no.
Brad Aldrich:So both of you feel frozen in that.
Kate Aldrich:I think that's often not talked about. I think it's often portrayed that the other person just doesn't want sex.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, that's exactly right. And that sometimes can be the case, but that's not always the case. Okay, so let's actually start this by talking about, like, what frequency should a couple have?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think that's where we start with couples. We don't give a number we, we don't.
Brad Aldrich:We give this very, very interesting broad range because we've heard so many issues, um, and our, our huge broad range that we usually talk about is it should not have to be every day. Yeah, and it's not. Don't hear, it can't be every day it can be it's fine, but it shouldn't have to be, because we certainly have run into some couples where somebody is such the high desire that they feel like if they're they're demanding it every day and if they don't get that and that's not okay, that's not appropriate, right?
Brad Aldrich:um, so that demand is the problem, not the frequency in that case. And then on the other side, we usually say, if it's less than once a month, there are some other things going on, right? There's some other parts of this that we would have to explore.
Kate Aldrich:Right, we also talk about the couple, just like having a conversation of for each of you, what would be ideal, and then how do we meet in the middle of that?
Brad Aldrich:yeah, and when we do that, when we get couples to say like hey, what, what would your frequency rate be if you will? Um, often, often, we will find, you know, one person going something like well, for me once a week would be great, and one person going something like well, for me once a week would be great, and the other person going well, like three times a week would be great. But then they're shocked that the other person said once a week, really Right. And it goes back to what you were saying, because they feel like they're only having it maybe once a month and it's like but you want it once a week, like I'd be really happy if we had it right.
Brad Aldrich:Like all of a sudden they're like wait, there's some hope here and that's where we start getting into. Maybe there's some other things missing.
Kate Aldrich:Right and through all of this feeling overwhelming, the communication has even broken down. It's totally broken down, yeah, and the ability to express wants and desires.
Brad Aldrich:Right and I'm okay. So we can maybe go from the beginning to the end like jump to the end Short podcast.
Brad Aldrich:No, we'll go to the middle because that's the important part. But the end that we get to is how do you actually express desire? Because I can go back to, and I recognize in my not healthy times I would do one of two things. I would either use some locker room methods to kind of go do you wanna? Without really putting myself out there right, I yeah grab things inappropriately. Or, you know, just kind of do something weird to kind of see if I get that positive interest.
Brad Aldrich:I was I was a child um no that point.
Kate Aldrich:No, it was not that bad.
Brad Aldrich:It was not, but I think a lot of guys do the same things, right, like they do that, and what they're doing is seeing if there's interest before they put any desire out there, because they don't want the rejection.
Kate Aldrich:That's really what's happening. I don't understand that, because aren't you still getting the rejection, potentially?
Brad Aldrich:Yes, we are, but we can always kind of do the passive thing. Well, I really wasn't expecting it anyway. So then it feels less rejecting.
Kate Aldrich:Then you get a power struggle going on, which is a whole other thing.
Brad Aldrich:So that's one of the methods I would use. The other, probably a little more common for me, was I would just try to read you.
Kate Aldrich:Right, Like I'd come home.
Brad Aldrich:That was a mistake, yeah well, just teasing the problem is I'd read the wrong things, like I'd come home and be like okay, how was your day? And I would hear oh man, it was really long, I'm tired and I would immediately go okay, she's not interested.
Kate Aldrich:Guys toddlers toddlers, toddlers.
Brad Aldrich:I would just kind of flip to this. Okay, she's not interested, so let's just take that off the menu and I wouldn't say anything about my desire.
Kate Aldrich:Or try to and you've just been working too, but this is often a dynamic we hear about try to and you've just been working too, but this is often a dynamic we hear about. Instead of coming home, hearing it was a long, tiring day, which I do get with toddlers what day isn't but coming home and saying okay, you know what can I do? To give you a 20 minute half hour break while the kids are getting ready for bed, or whatever that would allow you to feel more like a wife and less like a mom.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, no, I think that's and that's the hard middle. So, like this expressing desire thing, we have to figure out how to actually use language, and not just language three minutes before. Right, like I always say, if you've jumped into bed to go to bed at night and you have not had any expression of desire before that, it's a really, really crappy time to do that right, because your brain is already working towards shutting down and right, like, like. So we have to learn how to express desire for our spouse in a million different ways, in different times, and that could be through extended hugs, that could be through more passionate kisses wait, these are still not words.
Brad Aldrich:I know I'm getting there, or they can and should be through words.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, because I think even those things are really good, because you know, brad, and I say like foreplay should be an all day thing through text, through communication, through connection, like there should be other connecting points throughout the day. That's going to help things, no matter what. But unspoken it just gets blurry and like I'm not sure if that's what you mean.
Brad Aldrich:Well, and that's one of the complaints that I hear from the higher drive spouse all the time is they have tried to use hugs and kisses as a way of initiating and then eventually those get shut down Right. So tell me a little bit more about that, Because you are one who have said often how much you enjoy longer hugs, how much you want to kiss and yet not have it necessarily be about that communication. Tell me a little bit about that. I'm putting you on the spot I love it.
Kate Aldrich:I wish you could see his face right now. Tell me about that. Um, I mean, I I guess I sit here and I'm like what, what? I don't understand. What do I need to explain to you? But anyways, we'll do it anyways.
Brad Aldrich:See guys.
Kate Aldrich:But I think you know most people out there speaking on marriage will say the same things. Physical touch can not only mean sex, because people are then going to pull away Because, well, no offense, but if we're married every single day and we have physical touch every single day, we hold hands, that means we have to have sex. Like that's not going to work. So I think, but we also need to understand, that non-sexual touch is important for connection and so it needs to be a connecting point, but it also needs to not be a pressure point right and so I think you, just you have to make it a goal to have some of it.
Brad Aldrich:That doesn't lead to anything and when you say not lead to anything. So when I come up behind you at the sink and grab you and hold on to you, right, I am not expecting anything in the next five minutes or the next hour no, I mean, if you come up to me at the sink, you could just do the dishes, just saying I mean I'm obviously romantic, obviously at the sink for a reason.
Kate Aldrich:So okay, but beside that, I got lost in the dishes. What did you say?
Brad Aldrich:Like I'm not expecting anything in that minute, but there is often a expression of desire that happens in those touches.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, and does that mean it's an expression of desire for that day, like not?
Brad Aldrich:necessarily there's no expression of desire.
Kate Aldrich:I understand that and I get that, but that doesn't necessarily mean that desire will be expressed through sex that day correct, and I think that's exactly what I wanted to get to is well there you go the expression of desire that you think people are uncomfortable with, or is it the obligation to then follow that up with sex immediately or that day, or something like that? That's a really hard question because you know me, I just I can't be surface level anymore.
Kate Aldrich:Like that there could be both going on. There could be one or the other going on. I think, as a culture, and especially women in the United States I can't speak for other cultures, I won't speak for other cultures there is a direct correlation with desire and being able to express it and understand it. I think there is for men too, but I think it's very different, because I think you deal with a lot of men who can express desire for sex, but expressing desire for other things is very difficult. Correct? Women, though, especially in the church, are raised in a tamp down. Your desire. You're the reason he has desire that he shouldn't have.
Kate Aldrich:I could go on and on that he shouldn't have, like there's all kinds of I mean, I could go on and on, Like there's all kinds of unhealthy messages that I think shut down a woman's desire. And yeah, it just can be very tricky. And I know for me, like trying to understand who I am and what I love was a journey, and that's not just sexual, it's desire in general, what, what I love was a journey, and that's not just sexual, it's desire in general, what do I love what?
Kate Aldrich:makes me me Unapologetically kind of thing. So I think, yeah, I don't know, it's muddy. And I think it's something. It's messy, no pun intended, but I think that we it's something each one of us has to explore, to understand if it's a challenge.
Brad Aldrich:but I imagine for most of us, desire is either overactive or underactive right, I and I totally agree, and I think there is this place for guys where that desire is more kind of pushed out when it comes to sexual desire, right Like so they're going to do something to try to express it and then like pull back because that rejection factor is there.
Brad Aldrich:So I think, when it comes to desire for rest or self-care or things like that, I think that it's very different. There's less of that like I'm going to go pursue this for sure, kind of thing, gotcha. But I think most guys have not learned how to use language around expressing desire for sex in a healthy way, right, and they don't. It's not easy, right? Like how do you be romantic and not crude?
Kate Aldrich:And make someone feel like they're just.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:Make somebody feel cherished, not a piece of meat right right, it's difficult to do, and so I think then we shy away from it sure yeah and I will say it's going to be different for every couple but, it's something that you guys need to navigate together of hey, how do you have words that mean I would love to spend time with you, or have code words for can we sneak away and have sex so the kids don't know what we're doing? Whatever, it is that you guys have done to create some language for expression of desire, some language for expression of desire, and that needs to be able to be considered. I'm not saying that every time somebody expresses desire you have to say yes by any means, but I think there is a place where we want to encourage the appropriate expressions of desire and, you know, helping people to learn how to use language that makes you feel good is a part of that yeah, to feel valued and cherished, that this is something I want to share with you, not just this is something I want to experience.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, yes, and I think that is so true. Now I'm obviously talking about guys are not always the ones expressing the desire, and they shouldn't be.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, no.
Brad Aldrich:Right, Like every guy, even I will say even especially the higher desire guys truly desire their wife to desire them. It is something I hear all the time from guys who have even very, very high sexual desires that they have a craving to see that their wife actually desires them. So this has to go both directions and learning language both directions. To say I would like to have sex with you in some language is really important.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think, too, remembering there's more than a yes or no, and what I mean by that is, I think, you know, when we get into murky waters with all of this, it feels like there's only the yes or the no, the rejection or the not being rejected. But one of the things that I tried to put into practice and I think now we both put into practice, like because we both put into practice, because you know, there are times for both of us that it's like, you know, just kind of checking where you're at, kind of thing and I think it really is the stopping for a second and thinking right, yeah, because it doesn't always have to be a no, it could be like, uh, yeah, like I could, you know, I could be convinced not, not, not in a way where you are feeling pressured okay, that's not what I mean, that you have to, anything like that but you stop and you think, oh, it wasn't necessarily on my mind right now, but I'm not opposed.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:And so, yeah, let's let's like explore that and have fun. Like it doesn't always, but I think sometimes we think, cause it's not on our mind, it has to be a no, and I think sometimes women also feel like it has to be a yes. So then it feels like I don't actually get a say in this. Like. None of those are really what we want it to be.
Brad Aldrich:But it doesn't only have to be a no, because we weren't thinking about it and some of that comes from you learning that often desire and arousal are two different processes that come, you know, in interesting times.
Kate Aldrich:Our traditional, the way we traditionally think about it, is we have desire and that leads to arousal, right, and I think you've learned, and we've certainly talked about before, that that is not the only way that these two things interact well, and I think that can be true for men too absolutely is and it's not necessarily true for every woman, it's not necessarily true every time, but, yes, it is the process of uh, you know, I desire this with you, but arousal has not happened yet, and that's okay, right, right, and it does often happen later in the process, and that's okay.
Brad Aldrich:Right, right, and desire sometimes shows up later in the process. Mm-hmm, yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Okay. Now we said we're going to get to the middle, and I think some of the middle can be talked about just simply by saying I think a lot of men use sex as the way to connect safely with their spouse, that if they feel disconnected from them with their spouse, that if they feel disconnected from them, they want to have sex in order to feel connected, and I think most women do not feel comfortable having sex if they don't feel connected.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, again, that is a generalization, so I don't think everybody is going to feel that way, but I do think that that can very typically be the case. Um, but I always want to be cautious, because stereotypes always make somebody feel left out or like something is wrong with them, and that is not the case that, if you don't feel that way, so well, if you don't, what that means is you're feeling safe in your relationship.
Brad Aldrich:It's just you weren't thinking about sex at the time, which is fine, or feeling connected, which is good but I think women can also.
Kate Aldrich:Some women do see sex, as we are connected again. So I think it can be completely reversed is what I'm saying. And there's nothing wrong with that. You're not broken, you're not wrong. I just think, overall generalities, it does tend to be that way.
Brad Aldrich:I think it's an important thing to learn that these two realities of sexual desire and desire for connection do somewhat run together, but they need to be both considered and I would say, if you have just not felt connected to your partner for whatever reason conflict, just distance that jumping into sex may not be the right answer. Now, that is contrary to every movie that we see that it's like oh, we've been away from each other for a long time, so we're going to immediately jump into having sex.
Kate Aldrich:Which is fine.
Brad Aldrich:Right, and that happens if it's that kind of distance, but they're like, think about it. In most of those times there's lots of emotional intimacy while you're apart from each other. That is leading to that desire when you see each other when you see each other, and I think that's the place that's often missing in our normal kind of day-to-day relationship. We have not had a chance to create emotional desire for each other.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I mean, I think just keeping those things in mind is important. Just checking where you are, where your spouse is trying to be cognizant of that, I think is huge.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich:So yeah, I mean it is more complex than I think any of us ever thought when we got married.
Brad Aldrich:Oh my gosh, absolutely, Because I think at that place, well, for most of us there was time that was going on that we weren't having sex, that we were creating a lot of connection and so that was leading to a lot of desire, and then so that played out in the beginning. Mm-hmm. But I think we then continue in life and there's things that pull us in different directions Kids, work, money, obligations, family, like all these things and we get emotionally disconnected.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think you know I'm mostly going to say this on any podcast that we do. I'm mostly going to say this on any any podcasts that we do. But I also think we have to take in and consider trauma from our families around sexual intimacy, understanding of it, teaching of it. You know just how sex in general has been portrayed in your family or not, and I think there's also we have to understand for us the cultural piece. I mean, as I said, growing up in the united states as a woman, I don't think, and as a man actually thinking about it from your perspective like so much of how men have been shaped is how they've been sex has been portrayed for them oh, absolutely and for women, right that there is this piece of like.
Kate Aldrich:Well, it's mainly for men, you know, coming out of that culture no, it's.
Brad Aldrich:It has entirely been said that sex is for men's pleasure for a very long time and women have to put up with it. And so there is this stereotype out there that says you shouldn't enjoy it, you should want less of it, right? And and so some of that's happening without even really understanding where that's coming from.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and our parents are carrying that in their DNA and people say, oh, that's so old school, but it still impacts us. And, yes, it can change, but that takes generation after generation after generation and you have to be aware of what needs to change.
Brad Aldrich:Correct, and I'll tell you just from the other side. I do talk with men who are lower desire, and every one of them deals with this question of does this make me less manly? Somehow right, and what's wrong with me that I'm not enough of a man, that I want it constantly right, because, again, that's part of that culture.
Brad Aldrich:So right, even if they can intellectually go right. I know there's nothing connected there, it's part of the culture. So we recognize how much that what we grow up around seeps in and for the higher drive wives the same, like what's wrong with me?
Kate Aldrich:Why, you know just all of those things and we have to consider what messages or lies or different things that we have picked up. Yeah, absolutely, and then I think for those who've grown up in the church, you've got to even look at that culture right. We just don't get to look at one thing. It's complex. All of it has added layers to it, and it's important that we reflect on that.
Brad Aldrich:And look, here's the thing Sexual intimacy is an act of vulnerability and loss of control, and so those two things are really hard in relationships, and I think that's exactly what God designed sexual intimacy to be to be a place where we are giving up control for each other. And there is a ton of intimate connection in that space. Sure, so we have to work on those things of. Why is it hard to give up control right now? Mm-hmm Right, why does that feel hard for both of us?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, to recognize. Yeah, and that is really good. And if you have done work on your story and realized that control, well, I think all of us have a relationship with control in our story. It's just how it plays out, but like that's, yeah, it's going to give you huge insights as to, you know, that loss of control, how that feels to you.
Brad Aldrich:Oh my gosh yes, I think all of us do have a story around control right. And I think it is somewhat culturally, even in sex, for men to maintain control, but they don't necessarily want that right. Not all guys want that in any way, shape or form. So I think that there is a loss of control just by nature of having sex right, that we have to wrestle with what the emotions are around that.
Brad Aldrich:And many times when we talk to couples who are having trouble initiating sex that it's quite infrequent. It is these questions around vulnerability, connection and control. Mm-hmm yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Right. So those are the places that we look first is what's going on in overall safety in the relationship, emotional safety. People can express themselves, can get vulnerable, people can be willing to give up control for a minute right and be in that place and then growing desire. That's there. There are times that we see couples when there's some physical elements happening Sure Right, men with ED, women with some painful situations or lack of lubrication, women with some painful situations or lack of lubrication, like those kind of things. That often are places that we can work around. I guess.
Brad Aldrich:I would want to say it's not like they disappear automatically, but they're things that we can do to start towards what sexuality looks like for the couple. You know to start towards what sexuality looks like for the couple, yeah. So those, honestly, I would say those are less hurdles than the relationship hurdles.
Kate Aldrich:I bet that's not what people expected to hear Exactly Right.
Brad Aldrich:I think when I see you know a guy who's wrestling with some ED and then is pulled away from desire because it's hard, I'm like, okay, there's stuff we can do here, right, there's so much possible to work towards as a couple to get through that.
Brad Aldrich:I think the harder is when there's lots of desire but there's a disconnection in the relationship that kind kind of again traditional or, or you know, stereotypical is the guy is trying to use sex to connect and the wife is like what they what used to be called frigid, and I think that is a terrible term oh my goodness because it's it's putting her in a box, but I think the guys are feeling that frigid because it's her way of saying no, I don't want that, I'm looking for something else yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kate Aldrich:That's a horrible term. I know it should be. I'm using it.
Brad Aldrich:I'm using it only as an example, because I think a lot of people feel that um, and will even say that as a weapon, where it's such a small factor, right, like there may not be any sexual desire, but it's not that she's frigid. In fact, usually she's asking for something entirely different.
Kate Aldrich:Right, and I think that's yeah. That's the key. When you start to feel the disconnect overall in your relationship, that's when you need to reach out and allow someone to help you untangle it.
Kate Aldrich:Because, if you don't have all that layers of hurt, we can get there so much quicker. And I will tell you so many times I've, you know, I meet with women who've been betrayed, but I also meet with women who have been the betrayer and oftentimes they'll say, no, it was just about sex. And I'm like no, it's never just about sex. Yeah, and so right. So like there's so much more involved in that. And when you find your connections are lacking, it's a great time to figure out what's going on and how we figure out connection.
Brad Aldrich:Hey, and I will say all the time I find it so brave of couples when they can come and they go like we recognize something's missing in our sex life and we want to figure it out before it has additional issues, additional problems, because it is this is hard to talk about, right? We're sitting here saying part of the problem is having trouble with vulnerability and we're saying go, go, talk to somebody else about it. That's hard to do.
Kate Aldrich:It is. It is, but it is very hard. But you know counseling is super confidential for a reason Right and I would encourage you. Is that harder than losing that connection with your spouse and living in a house feeling like you're alone, where you're living with your spouse, like I hear you? I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying the alternative to me looks lonely and less attractive.
Brad Aldrich:Which I think is really powerful and I think we need need to hear, right is, um? I don't think any of us want to live as roommates with our spouse, but we often end up there, um, just because we don't know how to get some help yeah so yeah hey, we we're so honored to work with some of those couples and we have a bunch of people on our team who also work with those couples.
Kate Aldrich:And we were one of those couples and many of the people on our team have had similar stories or had to work through things.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and so it's not a thing of shame it is a time to say you know, I would love us to move into the next phase of our relationship, having better sexual intimacy together, and I'm a part of it.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:I recognize this. Like we started by saying the problem is not them, it's us, so how do we? How do we tackle this?
Kate Aldrich:yeah, and make sure you're saying that part and I like the better sex, because that doesn't always mean it's better numbers, not that, not that that shouldn't be a goal, but the reality is you both being connected and enjoying that time is the goal. Yeah. More than how often Correct so.
Brad Aldrich:It's so true, and I think that is an easier goal to get to, and I think most lower drive spouses would be surprised to hear. It's really not about the frequency. It's about the desire and the connection. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So I hope that helps a little bit. I hope that encourages some of you to maybe have some hard conversations right, we get that this is not an easy one. Yeah conversations right. We get that this is not an easy one, and to talk about like how do we move into a healthier pattern in our sex life? Are you happy with the pattern in your sex life? Are these questions that you guys can sit down and actually talk about is a really really good sign?
Kate Aldrich:So yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Well, I hope that was helpful. We are excited to continue on this journey of becoming one. I love that we can just do it together and keep on that journey, and so until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media, be sure to visit us at wwwsteelebecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.