Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
You Aren't Meeting My Needs- Now What?
We hear it all the time: "My wife's not meeting my needs" or "My husband isn't meeting my needs!" What do we do about this? Of course, we want our spouse to meet our physical, emotional, sexual, and other needs. Yet, is it their responsibility to do so?
The struggle to juggle demanding jobs and family commitments makes this a very common feeling. We explore the emotional tug-of-war many couples experience when they feel like the person they signed up to "do life with" is now not meeting their needs. Is this a reason to end the relationship? Are there ways to fix this? Let's dive into understanding and meeting each other's needs.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Speaker 2:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Speaker 2:Yeah, welcome back.
Speaker 1:We are glad to be here today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it feels like fall in our area. I always give a weather report. Yes, you do. It's starting to feel like fall. It's so exciting. And guess what I did this last week? Everybody.
Speaker 1:Put up the Christmas tree.
Speaker 2:I did, and my husband has grown so much in the years since we got married.
Speaker 1:And I only grown a little.
Speaker 2:No, you actually said to me you know it's been a hard time in our family, like as we've expressed, like that hasn't? We've had some ebbs and flows. You know, I said I just love the Christmas tree. It's full of light, I love celebrating Christmas and I don't know, it was a couple of weeks ago, I didn't do it as immediately as you said it, but you said go ahead, put it up, almost begrudgingly. But I put it up this week and we don't put ornaments on it this early. We'll wait for our boys to come home from college for that. But just the light, it's just nice.
Speaker 1:It's fine, it's lovely, it's fine, it's lovely, it's fine, you know what? But and I've said this before what it is for me is, I'm add enough that I really only notice new things and so I don't like it disappearing for me, like that. Yeah, I hear people who leave it up all year round and stuff and then it wouldn't mean anything to me, it'd just be there yeah, I get.
Speaker 2:I mean, I guess I could figure out a way to have the lights in some other form, not the tree, because that's what I really love is the lights.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I always have. As a kid I used to sit and just sit in front of the tree and look at the lights. There's a lot of story for me in Christmas time, but I honor that and this year's probably a little earlier than we've ever done it's okay, I I really don't mind, it does just become static.
Speaker 1:It becomes static and I don't actually recognize it, and I like to actually recognize it.
Speaker 2:Well, that's all for me the good news is we don't have the space to keep up a christmas tree all year round, that's true we'd go insane. So ours is tiny, but it still takes up a prominent space where we have a rocking chair, and the rocking chair gets displaced, and so don't worry. Nope, so anyways that's what I did this week to bring a little light into my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's an important thing, right? It is Doing things that bring light and joy are important activities Exactly.
Speaker 2:Well, brad and I were bouncing back and forth this subject for today and I looked at him and said why don't we just have this conversation? On the podcast instead of. We're kind of debating the definition of something, so we'll just debate it in front of you. You guys can see how this process works.
Speaker 1:Right. So this basically started by somebody saying hey, we have this issue, and then we've been talking about it and it's actually something we hear not infrequently from clients that we work with. So the comment was my needs aren't being met, and so we were kind of debating the ways that we've heard that. What does that mean and what do we do about that?
Speaker 2:Yes, and the dichotomy we feel of like in a marriage relationship and really in any relationship. Where do we feel that responsibility and join that person? Where do we say you know you're responsible for that. It's like all these things right there is.
Speaker 1:There's a lot of different things. So, yes, I think that two places that I hear that comment being made, and they're slightly different. The first is generally from women, but it could be from either, about, like my emotional needs aren't being met. My, you know, you're not making me happy.
Speaker 2:Is that me? Does that mean you're not pursuing me happy? Is that me? Does that mean you're not pursuing me the way I want to be pursued?
Speaker 1:I think somewhat. I think it's just this realization that I think many couples get to of we are in this kind of doldrums of life that we're just doing life next to each other, of life that we're just doing life next to each other, and we look at this person who we wanted to be happy with, and we go, they're not making me happy and probably, if I'm honest, there are things that are actively doing the opposite. There are things that are annoying you.
Speaker 1:Either it's messes or they didn't get this thing done, or that they said they were going to do those kind of things where there's kind of constant irritants.
Speaker 2:Okay, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 1:It's not conflict necessarily, right, but it's this person's not making me happy and there's constant like kind of little irritations that are happening like sandpaper? Yeah, exactly, and I think that's one of the places that I get to this of like my needs aren't being met but how does that translate?
Speaker 2:you said, it's mainly women I would imagine that translate like also to men? I think so. My knees aren't being met and there are constant irritants.
Speaker 1:No, I would agree with that. I think there's similarities here. I think men are sometimes more likely to add in the sexual need component into this, but I think similar right and I I don't want to pigeonhole this because I think it does go both sides. The first I've seen several times from um I'm trying to say this diplomatically, um, but I'll just say it like okay, I've seen it several times from women who are stay-at-home moms who have launched their kids into school and still have a million things to do, but then are more acutely aware of how much their husband is getting fulfillment at work and other places and they're just feeling alone, right, they're just kind of going through life alone well, and to counter that, because this is what we do um?
Speaker 2:I would say we hear that from men when they have infants and toddlers.
Speaker 1:Oh, yes, absolutely. I see that all the time.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So I just want to be like oh fair, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah so.
Speaker 1:I just and what? This is so unfair. But I'm thinking of several. I'm going to get in trouble for this because we went through this, so that's why I'm saying it. Like I'm seeing several guys who are in this place where their wives are homeschooling their chose. They, they've chosen that that's the best thing for their, their, husband and wife has chosen and you know husband then has to do a lot of extra work sometimes to make up for income that obviously the wife is not bringing in in income. Sure.
Speaker 1:And trying to make that work. And then the challenge of feeling like they're never meeting the wife's standard of what they are supposed to do when they get home. Okay, meeting the wife's standard of what they are supposed to do when they get home, and that place of then she says I'm not meeting her needs and he just feels like it's an impossible task. That is something I run into.
Speaker 2:I have thoughts, I have lots of thoughts.
Speaker 1:They have thoughts.
Speaker 2:This is the problem with doing this. My thoughts might be raw. I mean, I guess, well, and we can both come from this perspective because we did all of that literally. Well, let me start here. Did you feel that way?
Speaker 1:Well, let me start here. Did you feel that way? I felt sometimes. There were times where I felt like the pressures that were pulling me on both sides were so real that I didn't know what to do with that. What does that mean?
Speaker 1:So, part of this time I was the executive director of a Christian counseling center and I had a board, who I was responsible for, that would say these things need to get done, or whatever, and I would feel this expectation, responsibility, pull at work to do X, y, Z, and then I would know I'd come home and I'd be like I'm, I feel like I'm disappointing you because I'm not doing xyz here and I would feel this kind of somewhat impossible tug of war at times for sure now I will say we I was I was not super demanding. And you actually were really good at recognizing when the demands of work went up and we would talk about it and because I would actively say I want to be here more. I want to do this, but I obviously can't.
Speaker 1:I have a job, that I need to do this, but I obviously can't. I have a job that I need to do and so I think, because you saw my desires were for you, it was easier for you to kind of give me the freedom that I needed to take care of that responsibility, like that's how I felt, like it worked out well, but I certainly felt that tension.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is just a very complex situation to talk about because I think, like I think back on that time and I also know that I was trying to change who I was as a wife, trying to be aware of not just myself but you, as a wife, trying to be aware of not just myself but you. But I also think I didn't do a very good job due to my story, because I didn't understand it at that point to expressing my own needs like so I went from and this is just me not understanding why I was so, could be so irritated or could have these expectations and have them not met and be upset to. I have to be uber submissive and tell you okay, you have this big thing coming up, go do whatever you need. And I think those were beautiful moments, so don't get me wrong but they came at the cost of of my own self, and I only think, for you and I, it's in the last 10 years that we've evened that out, right that you've also said like I don't want this to come at the cost of your dreams and your right.
Speaker 2:So, like I don't know, like it does I, it does happen at that time and I think there are a lot of you know the needs, the we're not meeting each other's needs. But what does what does that actually mean? And how much do you actually know yourself? And I don't know. There's just so much packed in there.
Speaker 1:There is and I mean I think this is a big issue for men, because and I'm going to go back to you, know, this is one of the things that we do talk about, I'm going to go back to you, know, this is one of the things that we do talk about that I do think men are a little bit more driven towards how they are going to provide for their family, which means they are focused on their work more than you know, more than necessarily like.
Speaker 1:what does raising the kids mean? Now, it doesn't mean that they don't care about that. In fact, they care deeply about those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there are some families that that's the opposite.
Speaker 1:Of course. Societally that's not statistically as much Many times we men do derive a large part of our purpose, the things that help us feel fulfilled by what we do for work.
Speaker 1:And so then it does get this kind of fulfilling nature where that's meeting some needs right. But now you're telling me I'm not meeting your needs so I have to do X, y, z, I have to do all of these things when I come home in order to meet your needs, and it just adds to that tension. But of course we want that happy family, we want that connectedness, we want that space and we totally understand that doing the dishes may help that.
Speaker 2:But it it does, it just adds to this tension yeah, I don't, I don't know, like I don't know what to say to that, because I think you know for this day at home, moms, but this isn't everyone, obviously, and I've done all of the mixes too brad and I decided full time from the beginning of our marriage we would just make sure we did it all, just kidding um, but no, no, try it all, see what works.
Speaker 1:You worked while I was in grad school full time, so you were putting us while we had our youngest and he went to daycare like and I've worked part-time and been a mom. You've done the mix.
Speaker 2:We've done all the mix, and I'm sure full-time working moms can relate to that too. I think. For us, though, when we had our youngest, our oldest I don't know why I'm saying our youngest when we had our oldest, we were both working. Yeah, we were Right.
Speaker 1:So it was equalas. We are oldest, we were both working.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we were Right. So, like we were, it was equal. We were both coming home, we're both exhausted, we're both trying to have good family time with him, get him to bed, you know, have good routines for him, all these things. So I don't know that. I guess that that time seemed like more even playing field. I don't know. You probably felt like you couldn't, you couldn't say those things as much.
Speaker 1:I think that's accurate, right, I think there is a place that, when it's okay, we're both working full time and so now we both have to figure out how we're going to run this family and we're going to run this house, like it is more even than you know, and still, I think we kind of get to this place of how do we meet each other's needs, and this is one of the tensions that I see right, just to make this even more complex. I think this happens and the default need that many men fall to is sex, where the default need that many women fall to is we need time or emotional connection together first. Okay.
Speaker 1:Right, and so when we're short on time and so when we're short on time. I think this is where it gets more pressured that men are looking for.
Speaker 2:okay, let's have sex and women are looking for the emotional, pursuing, connected relationship. I don't think that's always true, Like that is kind of stereotypically the way it goes.
Speaker 1:I understand.
Speaker 2:But if you're in reversed roles, just flip it, oh my gosh. Yeah, because it's worth talking about. And I think the marriage relationship and this is what I was saying in the beginning is so unique in that we can't just consider ourselves anymore, but at the same time we can express our needs and our desires and hope that our spouse can meet us in that space. But if they can't, there is this strange dichotomy of like well, we can't just live singularly.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:We also can't require anyone to meet our needs, even our spouse.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:So it gets fuzzy and people don't know where. Where is it that you know you're not meeting my needs, so but where is the point where I have to worry about my own needs Correct and we're not? I'm suggesting, like, getting them cared for in a healthy manner. I'm not talking about anything unhealthy, but yeah, I don't know. It's such a, it's such a balance that I feel spouses have to constantly talk about it and constantly be like what's what, like what's honoring of you, what are your needs? How can we work on that? How can we work on mine?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean straight off, I will say nobody can be responsible for meeting all of your needs except for yourself. Right, right. Nobody can be responsible for knowing all of your needs except for yourself. Right, right.
Speaker 2:Nobody can be responsible for knowing all of your needs except for you, absolutely so you need to be able to identify. Plus, you married a mind reader.
Speaker 1:Right. You need to be able to identify your needs and advocate for how they're going to be met.
Speaker 2:But not always expecting they be met by anyone Correct, by other people, I should say, so that means time for rest, time for exercise, time for socialization time.
Speaker 1:For all of those things that happen. There is a place that you need to be a part of advocating for it. I think one of the just sitting here one of the things that really helped us get through this challenge is this reality where I always felt like you wanted to understand, when I felt like I was in a tug of war, because I think you understood.
Speaker 1:I wanted to be with you, I wanted to spend time with you, I wanted to spend time with the kids, and so if something was happening, then I think you automatically did understand that there was something pulling on the other side, and I think I regularly saw you trying to at least understand why I felt pulled. And I think that is such an important principle because, from either side right, if your spouse is not meeting your need, I really would encourage you to try to understand what's pulling them in the other direction, because there's usually something that is pulling there and whether it be work, whether it be too much time, you know too much stress with the kids, you know there's something that's pulling that is preventing them from having that time.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's a two-way street. Absolutely, it is I think the challenge for most stay-at-home moms right if it's equal we're both working full-time it feels like it's an even playing field. I think for many moms who stay home, it feels like they're doing less.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because they're in the house.
Speaker 1:They're not, it's just.
Speaker 2:They're definitely not, and any dad who stayed home with his kids all day long knows it's not Right. I mean, you said many times like I'd rather.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I would much rather have gone than when our kids were little.
Speaker 2:That sounds bad.
Speaker 1:You loved her. I adored them but I.
Speaker 2:It's not what you did every day.
Speaker 1:No, there's no way I could do that every day.
Speaker 2:But I think it's important to mention because we see that come up, you can read it on the stay-at-home moms of like I realize I'm not giving as much to the family, like there is this automatic deficit and I do think then it it kind of um adds to the potential bitterness, or you know. Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:like, I do, I and I think I. I mean there is some exception, like something I'm just trying to think through mindset, my mindset. Like there was a shift of when you know, when we were both working full-time and coming home, it was like, hey, whoever's home first has to cook dinner, right, because somebody had to do it.
Speaker 2:Guys, those were the times I drove slow as slow could be. If I could get Brad to cook, I would take an hour to come home.
Speaker 1:I think sometimes those became more logical. That then when it's one person is staying home, that then when it's one person is staying home, it almost kind of defaults to well, these are your jobs and that often is not fair, right that that doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:I was going to say are we going to get off on this cooking thing, Because that's a whole other podcast and my issues with cooking.
Speaker 1:No, I don't think it's just cooking. I think it's all of the things that kind of go to keep a home that I think become the stay-at-home person's job. The problem is that never ends.
Speaker 2:It's 24-7. It's not just that. I think. When you say that out loud, that sounds to me like a homemaker, not a mom.
Speaker 2:And yes, in an ideal world she would keep the kids happy and engaged and do all of the chores all day, but kids don't usually allow you to do that right and you have to get through the stage where all of them are able to be, where you can walk out into the laundry room and not have to worry that somebody's going to hurt themselves or hurt somebody else, or laundry room and not have to worry that somebody's gonna hurt themselves or hurt somebody else, or right like it, it isn't realistic. Yes, when they get to a certain age it's different, but then they're all in activities and it just, yeah, it gets muddy.
Speaker 1:But I hear what you're saying of like trying to understand what is pulling the other person right, right, and not making the assumption that they don't want to meet your needs and I think that is one of the things we talk about often is hey, let's start with the default that you love each other, right. And sometimes when we're working with a couple, we'll talk about, like, what was your last vacation? Like, and if they get along really well on vacation, they end up having great vacation sex they end up enjoying each other and having fun.
Speaker 2:What about great emotional connection?
Speaker 1:I'm going to all of those right. They have a great connecting time and emotional connection time. If they're doing all of that on vacation, then part of the issue is the things that are pulling them away from that at home. Right, it's there All of the formula is there for them. It's just there's so many things that are getting in the way, sure, and that is a good indicator.
Speaker 2:But I think a lot of times we meet with couples and vacation isn't great either. That's different Vacation pulls the same stressor.
Speaker 1:They have the same feelings, thoughts, arguments conflict.
Speaker 1:So yes, I get that, but that's why we sometimes ask that question of where are you in that, because if it is just the things that are pulling at you, then you maintain that assumption that this is what the person wants. They want to be there, they want to spend time with you and there is something else pulling them, and that might be the credit card bill, that may be you know work responsibilities, that might be you know expectations of you know helping with kids, with homework, like there could be so many different things that are pulling, that are keeping you from that place yeah now I think it gets harder if it is like you said, of like yep, the vacation is still awful and I feel like my emotional needs are never considered, or my sexual needs are never considered, or my, you know, time needs are never considered.
Speaker 1:Any of that. Then where do people go?
Speaker 2:but I think it's also worth mentioning we can only approach this the way we're talking about approaching it if there has not, because we deal a lot with betrayal.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:If betrayal has entered the marriage, then it is different and that's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 1:You mean, like so, trying to heal from an affair or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, pornography, like all the things we talk about, it's the needs, like we have to talk about them differently and it is very individualized to each um couple and what they've experienced and how they process their hurt or process their, uh, what they've done those kinds of things. So I only say that because I don't want we don't want anyone ever to use our podcast to throw at anybody else. But I'm just saying like if there's been betrayal, it's a different journey that we have to kind of navigate.
Speaker 1:There's a healing journey that has to happen before there's the evenness of meeting each other's needs Correct before there's the evenness of meeting each other's needs.
Speaker 2:Correct. But there's also even when you're at a healing spot, you don't get to take off the betrayal glasses. It still will impact it for the rest of your life, not in a bad way. But we recognize this happened and we do things differently because of this kind of thing, not in a guilt or like shame following someone. It's just, this is part of our journey and we can't forget it. Right so right, I just think that's important to say. But yeah, I mean I don't know. I think this is a really good conversation to continue to have, for couples to have, because I think it is complicated.
Speaker 1:So what would you say to a wife who is feeling like her husband never is meeting her needs?
Speaker 2:Okay, really You're asking me that? Yeah, okay, I would say she needs to do story work. What does that mean? Really, you're asking me that? Yeah, okay, I would say she needs to do story work because there's so much right we could have and I used to when um, I don't so much anymore, but I used to speak to mom's groups all the time and we could have a whole bunch of the same women going through the same life stage and think that their responses are very similar and they may be, but to truly understand each of our responses, we have to understand our individualized story.
Speaker 2:Right, like why is that? I know for me when we were first married and our kids were young. I have lots of things from my story that make me feel insecure and that sounds like a very universal word, but like being assured that Brad um was going to continue to love and pursue me for who I am. Like that wasn't there, based on a lot of the things that I experienced as a child. Sure, right, and then my strategies to help myself with those things I experienced as a child was do it all on my own.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right. So if I'm feeling like you may be wavering in that for some reason which you weren't it's my story telling me that I'm going to start doing everything on my own but also be irritated that you're not helping. Right, we have to understand our story to be able to understand. So, oh yeah, it was so good, it was great.
Speaker 1:No, no, but I think the awareness of just being able to say my needs aren't being met means that we need to come back to. We need to understand why our needs are there and why we're having trouble getting them met, that it is not just about our spouse isn't doing X, Y, Z or they aren't jumping through all these hoops, but there are things that you can learn individually that are going to help.
Speaker 2:True, but I would also say your husband needs to do the same work.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because his response isn't solely based on the fact that the Lord said like, solely based on the fact that the Lord said like, you will toil in the ground and all of that Like. I think that is part of who men are, but it's not solely.
Speaker 1:No, it is not all that we are, and if that was all that we were going to be, we wouldn't get married Right Like there's a reason that we wanted relationships and wanted to be in relationship.
Speaker 2:Right, but what I'm saying is like I don't want women to feel like they have to do all this work and the husband just gets to stand behind while I feel pulled. Okay, there's more to it for you as well, sure.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Why is it that we feel that pull to get the accolades or the positive reinforcement from work? What is some of that? How do we actually take care of ourselves? How do we say no right to whatever it is that's in between? And look, we can't just blame this on time right, like the amount of hours that disappear into TV football Instagram social media et cetera right.
Speaker 2:American football.
Speaker 1:Both of them right, like the amount of time that goes into those activities continues to go up year after year after year and we're sitting here saying, oh, we don't have any time. Well, no, we have time. We choose to put it into other things and we have to recognize why. Mostly because I think we're exhausted, we're stressed out, we're you know all of the things that are happening because we aren't actually doing anything to take care of ourselves.
Speaker 2:Are you talking about us or the world? The world or the United States? I guess we can't speak for the world.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think everybody is kind of experiencing this disconnection with the people that they love the most and unfortunately this social media has sold us this idea. That connection happens in little snippets of exciting video or funny video that we share with each other, and that isn't.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I just got an eye. Look there, wait a second.
Speaker 1:No, I mean, it's great to have something to start and to talk about and those kinds of things. But that's not connection right, like that's not actually, you know, getting heart to hearts with people.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I think we obviously miss each other so much. Right, one of the things that I will firmly say, I think, one of the things that I I will firmly say, I think one of the things that have helped us along the way, is that my love language has been quality time for that man a long time oh.
Speaker 2:So we have all of this to owe to your quality time, love language.
Speaker 1:I think that helps me to go. I want the time with you, Okay, Right, and so I think that drives me to kind of get to this place of like I really really do want to work more because I get the accolades or that kind of stuff at work, but I also really really want you. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you, so I think expressing that has been a helpful thing for us to work out this.
Speaker 1:My needs aren't being met thing, both sexual needs and physical and emotional, and all the other, all the other.
Speaker 2:All the other.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I think that we definitely work through this, thankfully at a time in our marriage, because I think every marriage has to figure this out. So if you're figuring it out, don't feel like you're doing it wrong. But I think we had to figure this out at a time where the Lord was actually preparing for us, so that we wouldn't have to figure this out at a time where the Lord was actually preparing for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that we wouldn't have to figure it out now.
Speaker 2:I mean, we still have to, like, keep it as a focus but, the Lord helped us figure this out probably 10, I don't know, the years go by and I can't, but our oldest would have been around 11. So, like, I think we figured it out about 10 years ago, around 11. So, like, I think we figured it out about 10 years ago and now that our life is I don't know how I'd sum it up you guys have heard us talk. It's very full of caring for no-transcript. We lead boring lives.
Speaker 2:Like I was just thinking about this, we lead very boring lives and I'm not sorry about that because, because it takes up so much of our mental space, so much of our home space. We don't do much with other people. Not that we don't have community, don't get me wrong. Community don't get me wrong. But we have had to prioritize if, if we are going to stay connected, working long hours and opening our own business. Two years ago, like also, lots of things have changed. Like that, we, just we we don't live the life that everybody would look at and say, oh, they're really active, they do all these things.
Speaker 1:Right. No, we're not in all the committees, we're not in all the right, that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh no, far from it. In fact, some of our kids are like can you help with this? Could you please help with that? Oh, okay. You know, but it's just what I'm saying is like we've given up a lot of things so that our marriage can thrive through this time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right. I do think it is important to be looking at what is taking up your emotional and heart focus. And look, if your spouse is saying you're not meeting my needs, I think that should be a warning of you need some serious conversations to figure out why they're feeling like that. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:If you are feeling like my spouse is not meeting my needs, I think you need to have some serious conversations with yourself of what are your needs? How are you communicating your needs? How are you trying to hear your spouse's needs and, you know, trying to figure out how you guys get back on the same page?
Speaker 2:And how are you taking care of your own needs? Because I'll just plop this in here at the end like most of us, get married with an unthought-out expectation, so it's not cognizant. An unthought-out expectation of this person is going to make me all better. They're going to fill all of my insecurities they're gonna right. And really I think marriage has been as much of a process of figuring myself out and figuring out how to care for myself well as it is to figuring out how to care for you and care for our marriage right so I think right, your spouse literally cannot be making all of your needs better.
Speaker 1:Yes, correct, and I think we have used this word of why aren't my needs being met as a conduit for divorce? And if you are chasing that, I'm not happy. Divorce is not going to make you happier. I'm not saying there's not sometimes reasons. I'm not in none of that, but I don't think.
Speaker 2:It's just about happiness? Absolutely not, it's just about happiness.
Speaker 1:It's just about my needs aren't being met. I think we need to take a hard look at how you're trying to take care of your own needs, how you're where your needs are coming from, what you're doing in relationship, because something's missing.
Speaker 2:And I think if you need help puzzling that out, reach out to us. Like I feel like you're not alone and most people need someone else to help them puzzle some of this out. That's really really normal and really really healthy yeah, absolutely it is so, and then you can let us know on our socials, like what did you like about us just talking it out right here, instead of talking it out beforehand and then trying to be more polished about?
Speaker 1:it. There you go. Well, I hope you enjoyed that and would love to hear some of your thoughts. For sure, drop us a line on our social medias, at stillbecomingone, on Facebook and Instagram, and we would love to hear from you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let us know if you think Brad should cook every single night too.
Speaker 1:No, don't do that.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 1:Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Speaker 1:Be kind and take care of each other. Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. Thank you. Show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts no-transcript.