Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Sorry Not Sorry: Why Your Apologies Might Be Making Things Worse
Relationship conflict is inevitable, but the key to healthy relationships lies in effective repair—acknowledging impact and taking responsibility rather than just saying, "sorry you were hurt."
• Conflict in relationships is normal, but repair is essential for rebuilding connection
• There's a critical difference between "I'm sorry you were hurt" and "I'm sorry I hurt you"
• Effective repair involves listening well, owning your impact, and discussing future changes
• Different personalities seek different things in apologies—understanding your partner's needs is crucial
• Managing different perceptions of reality without arguing about "facts" helps resolve conflicts
• Forgiveness involves acknowledging harm and choosing not to require payment for it
• Modeling good repair with children teaches them relationship skills for their future
• Repairing doesn't always mean changing your decision, but it does mean acknowledging the impact
• The sooner we repair, the smaller our relationship ruptures remain
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich:Welcome back.
Brad Aldrich:We're glad that you're here with us.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, this is a mid-afternoon taping, so we can see if it's somewhere in between the morning, when coffee is just getting flowing for Brad, or the evening, when the night owl is chatty. Yep, yep chatty For me, it's just kind of the same all the time oh yeah, right, yeah, yeah. Wait, what are you saying?
Brad Aldrich:You don't have any ups and downs whatsoever. The fact that this is. Tuesday, because you didn't want to tape yesterday.
Kate Aldrich:That was not the case. You offered. You said we don't have to, I could tell you weren't feeling great I was not feeling good, but that doesn't have to do with my morning tea, or whatever. No, I just knew we were going to get a very I said I'm not, I'm not very peppy yeah, but I'm glad you're feeling better today yeah, I think I'm kind of peppy most times, unless something has made me not feel peppy. Yeah, so, anyways, there you have it.
Brad Aldrich:So it's sunny here in lancaster is and we're in a busy season of spring and for one of our kiddos, spring musical.
Kate Aldrich:I was like are we?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, Things going on, yeah, life is just.
Kate Aldrich:it's good, but it's just like moving along, it just keeps moving.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, there's always things.
Kate Aldrich:Some things in life feel like they take forever, and then others it just yeah. I was working on our next kiddo's graduation card and she just got accepted. Well, she got accepted to the college she wanted to a while ago but then got accepted even further into their honors program and was super excited yesterday. So it's just been. It's been crazy that we're launching a third kiddo.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, we are.
Kate Aldrich:It's crazy.
Brad Aldrich:In just a couple months so.
Kate Aldrich:And in just a couple weeks we're going to see the first kiddo graduate college and it's just. It's fun, but it's also crazy. I don't know. I don't know where you are, in what stage of life, but when they were small it was like this will never happen.
Brad Aldrich:This will take forever.
Kate Aldrich:And when it does happen, I won't be the age that I should be right, I'm still 27.
Brad Aldrich:That's what I tell everybody In your mind.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, Well, yes, sometimes my body does not agree, but I just don't think of myself as my age. I don't know what that says about me.
Brad Aldrich:I think that's pretty typical in this stage what age do you think you are? I'm just gonna move right on from that, no.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, like, what age do you see yourself as?
Brad Aldrich:um probably 10 years younger than I am always so it is progressing just slower than.
Kate Aldrich:I gotcha Interesting. Yeah, I mean I love this version of myself because I think I'm more me than I ever have been. So getting old and going through doing story work and different types of therapy have been super helpful, so I'm thankful for that, but I still just think I'm really young. You are yeah, but that would be weird because my kids are graduating from college, so that would be weird, right.
Brad Aldrich:Anyways. So what are we talking about today? So we're talking about this, honestly, really important topic that we have. A lot of couples come in talking to us about conflict and they'll even start coaching or they'll, you know, working with us because they feel like they have a lot of conflict.
Brad Aldrich:And one of the things that we say right off the bat in conflict is it's not abnormal, it's okay that there is conflict. The key is to hopefully do conflict well and to make sure that you repair well. And I think that repair topic, that repair part, is something that many couples miss. They don't really even know what repair looks like. It's this thing of either we forget it and just kind of move on or we keep arguing about it and that's about it. Those are the options, and I think a lot of times people feel like repair means somebody has to own that they were wrong and you know, deal with. I was wrong.
Brad Aldrich:And all of that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, I also was sitting here thinking like we've tried to help our kids repair. Well, I think, hopefully, setting them up for learning how to repair, not only in marriage should that be what they choose but also just in relationship right, the important relationships in our lives it's important to repair. It's even important to repair in some that we may not value as super important, but, for whatever reason, our jobs or whatever those are people in our lives that are there and, yeah, it's important to be able to learn the skill. It's not easy.
Brad Aldrich:No, it isn't. And we were talking about this topic right before we started and I said you know we need to talk about the fine line, but the huge difference between I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry something I said caused hurt, right Like there's like the words are very similar, but the intent is entirely different.
Kate Aldrich:Well, I think that's what people were taught for years. If, like, someone says that you hurt them and you didn't mean to that's not what you intended to do. Then you replied I'm sorry what I did, I'm sorry you were hurt by that.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I'm sorry you were hurt by that.
Kate Aldrich:Putting responsibility on them.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and it's exactly right. It's like, well, I'm sorry that you were hurt by my truth or my thing or whatever, and just like you shouldn't have been you know you shouldn't be hurt by that, so, um, but that's actually not repair. And yet here's the other side, right? I think a lot of people couples feel like they have to take full responsibility and totally agree with their spouse in order to repair. Hmm.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I get. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Or totally take responsibility for your piece.
Brad Aldrich:Correct.
Kate Aldrich:I don't think it always means totally take responsibility for the whole interaction.
Brad Aldrich:But I've even heard people kind of say well, you doing this caused me to do this kind of thing, so putting it back on the other person.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, we've never heard that from our teenagers.
Brad Aldrich:Never.
Kate Aldrich:Or from adults, or does it? We did it in the beginning of our marriage. I won't just blame teenagers, right, and what is our line to them all the time? Unless somebody had a gun to your head, you have other options. Correct, right, and so it's. And I mean that's extreme and we're not.
Brad Aldrich:You know, that's kind of a gruesome, but it's gruesome example, but it's like remember, you always have options, you have choices and you need to yeah, you need to recognize them and and one of the things I've been saying a lot is the car accident kind of metaphor, right, If you're driving and you end up having an accident.
Brad Aldrich:We call them accidents because we didn't intend for them to happen and there's usually somebody is at fault in an accident. Something happened that shouldn't have and it caused some harm and the person who caused that harm did not intend for it to happen. But they have to take responsibility for it. And then you know there is insurance or whatever to make that right.
Kate Aldrich:Right Sure.
Brad Aldrich:So it's we have to step back from intent. Obviously, if somebody is intending to hurt you, intending to do something you know mean wrong, whatever, there's a different place of hurt in that that comes with different conversation.
Kate Aldrich:That needs to happen.
Brad Aldrich:But I think we need to get past that and go okay. Something that I did, something that I said, hurt the person that I care about and I didn't intend to hurt them, but I need to recognize that it happened.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, and it really is just being able to say like I honor that what I did hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you and I'm owning that I did and how can I do it differently in the future. So we kind of usually break it down if it's listening well to someone sharing how what you did impacted them, not refuting it right, just listening and then being able to acknowledge what they've said and ask for how in the future it could be better.
Brad Aldrich:So all right, but I do want to say I think there are different personalities in what people are looking for in that repair Right, and so a few of the things that you just said are a little bit in what you're looking for in that apology.
Kate Aldrich:I don't think so Honestly. I'm just going to argue with you because people apparently like it. I actually prefer for people to own the impact of what they've done.
Brad Aldrich:Correct.
Kate Aldrich:Not just tell me they agree with me and want to do something in the future. I don't actually even right Like, unless someone's repeatedly offended me, I don't think about the future. I trust people to try and do things differently, but I think that's the reason I give people that equation is because it's pretty clear. Yes, there's going to be some personality differences and we can talk about a resource that we often send people to that helps them understand a little bit more about themselves in that. But what I say is like we have to be able to hear someone. So that means listening, well, not interrupting, not, but but but not explaining, right, and then you owning it somehow, however that looks like, um, you know, repeating back what they said or whatever, and then I guess it's more asking them is there something I can do in the future? It's not necessarily that you have to, but that is the equation I often give people because it's pretty concrete.
Brad Aldrich:You're not wrong that certain people might be looking for different things in there, and I think that's where sometimes the conflict ends up, you know, coming back again, right, like when somebody's trying to even apologize. Then sometimes the argument comes back because one person's looking for something a little different in the apology or in the repair than they were receiving. I think for me, right I tend to look for do you understand why I was hurt, where I think you tend to be a little bit more of? I want you to take responsibility for no.
Kate Aldrich:No, I'm the. Can you own the impact of what you've done?
Brad Aldrich:Okay, how is that different than take responsibility for? Help me to understand that.
Kate Aldrich:It's just different. Ha ha, it is. It's more like yes, I broke the jar is responsibility. Yes, it was me. I understand breaking the jar. That was something really important to you and it that's the part that's hard, not just that I broke a jar.
Brad Aldrich:I'm just giving some example. No, no, no, that's actually a good explanation. So it is the impact of the thing that happened, not necessarily that it happened. Right, okay.
Kate Aldrich:But I want to go back, though, to my equation, because very rarely do we find people are doing all three of those steps. Well, I understand you're talking about the personality nuances, and I do think we need to talk about them, but sometimes you're going to be repairing with someone at work. You're not going to know their personality.
Kate Aldrich:Right In marriage. Absolutely, we need to know what our spouse is looking for with your children. You need to be trying to figure that out. But I think in generic, other relationships, repair is also important and I think following that is a good guideline. I also going back to what I said, I think we find a lot of couples where they're like oh yeah, well, I struggled to listen. Well, right, I'm thinking about what I'm going to refute or how I'm going to rebut this or what I'm going to say. So I still think those are really good principles.
Brad Aldrich:All right, so go through what your three steps for repair are.
Kate Aldrich:Again. Yeah, okay, listen well.
Brad Aldrich:Listen well.
Kate Aldrich:Right. Listening well to me is not interjecting, not sitting there and just forming your rebuttal. It's just listening and hearing them, hearing their heart and then owning it. Whatever that looks like To me with you, I try now to own the action and the impact. I think in a marriage that's really important anyways, like I can see how that hurt you. I won't do that part again, those kinds of things. So it's owning it, but I also think, thinking about how it impacted the person. And then are there steps for the future that I need to make, which I feel like those three steps. Then use quite a few of the apology languages that Gary Chapman came agree with that.
Brad Aldrich:The part that I'm sitting here thinking about and I don't have any perfect example and it's somewhat similar to your jar example I think I'm always looking for, do you understand? And I'm not meaning you as in you Like, does the other? Person understand why I'm hurt or upset or whatever. I'm looking for that piece of insight that, I think, is that's what keeps me kind of going of like wait, have you? Did you actually get it?
Brad Aldrich:right and um, I think that's sometimes the piece, for me, that is missing when we're talking about. You know one of our kids doing something, or you know, whatever that I go wait, do you actually understand why I was hurt? Do you understand why I was hurt? Do you understand why I was upset and trying to get that piece across? And I will say this is why your first step of listening well is so important, because the person will tell you what they're looking for, what they need, right. It's just we often don't hear it because we are looking to defend ourselves. We're looking for explaining why I did something right, and I think I get caught in that because I actually want to understand why somebody did something. So if I'm the one making repair now, I'm going to try to explain why I did it, which can sound like an excuse Sure, right, but I do think it's important that we stop and we listen and we recognize I I get something that I said hurt you. Mm-hmm.
Brad Aldrich:Obviously, we need to talk through it and help me to understand, help me to you know, because what we're saying in that first part especially is I want to repair this with you.
Kate Aldrich:Right yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And I think that is honestly a really important part is honestly a really important part. When I think about relationships or conflicts that have not repaired well with you know, people outside of my family, kind of thing, the biggest thing that I think is missing is their desire to actually hear and actually listen to anything that they may have done.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, but that's why that first one is so important, as we said, because we're not going to enter. Here's the challenge to be someone who repairs well and someone who is willing to repair, you have to be willing to listen, and I think a lot of times people don't realize that. People just put distance because they don't think you can actually hold it well.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, no, that's exactly right.
Kate Aldrich:You will just make excuses, you will just say that's exactly right so I and people will often say and I honor this like, well, what do I do? And, especially as a parent, guys, we, we have experienced this. Although we right, we try to honor whatever our kids come with, their reality is their reality. So when two people are repairing, we do have two different realities. However, this is what I have shared with people, especially with parenting, with marriage, it's a little different, and especially also with other relationships. We listen well, we enter into understanding, saying we understand, we own our part, we understand how it hurt people, that kind of thing. And then we ask about the future, how can we make this different? And then people will say, well, what do I do if that's not actually how it happened? Right, because we have your reality and the person who's repairing.
Kate Aldrich:And that's when I say that is depending on who you're dealing with as parents. That is when I talk to my coach, talk to my spouse, talk to my best friend, not in a gossip way, not in a way of can you believe what my kid said. No, in a way of saying this was a really hard conversation. My kiddos reality was this right, like this is how it played out for them. It's hard for me because when it was occurring, this is how I saw it playing out.
Kate Aldrich:Right, we do need a place to process that, but we don't process that with our kid. We don't say, hey, that's great, johnny, but that's actually not how it happened. Right, we process that with our therapist, our coach, our good close, those close people that you share all of life with, not everybody. Right, your kid wants to feel like things are safe. Your spouse. Now, if it's with your spouse and you're trying to figure that out like I don't know, I don't have as much of a problem. Sometimes I guess we get there of like, well, that's not how I saw it happening, but I can usually just say, well, we just we just experienced that very differently.
Brad Aldrich:And I think that is a reality that's hard for some people of like. No, I had a totally different experience of that and, recognizing that both experiences are true, the person's not. Okay, let me back up and say the person is very rarely trying to manipulate you into believing a different reality. Yes, it happens, but we throw around the word narcissism a whole lot more than is actually real. What we're seeing is a different perception of a situation, not somebody's trying to get you to believe something totally different than what actually happened. So when we have different perceptions, we have to recognize the other person is going to have seen our actions, our inactions, our words with different intent and processing. And I always say to couples look, we don't have to argue about the facts.
Kate Aldrich:The facts actually don't matter.
Brad Aldrich:Well, there's three sets of them. Right, there's hers, his and what actually happened. If you happened to have a video recording of the event that most people don't get, that, right there is arguing about. You said this, you, you said this. It just doesn't matter. And.
Brad Aldrich:I want to say that because I think there are some people who get so hung up on the words that were used, the things that you did to hurt me, and it gets so into the nitty gritty and it's just not helpful. And actually trying to work through the issue right, the larger issue of I felt this when we were talking, I felt dismissed. When we were talking, I felt like you didn't really want to hear me or whatever caused the conflict.
Brad Aldrich:That's the more important thing than the specific. I can't believe you said this X, y, z word.
Kate Aldrich:Sure, and I think that doesn't mean, when it's your opportunity to share, that facts can't be part of it. Right? It's not, I think, what you're trying to say, if I'm understanding correctly, it's not worth going back and forth. Well, no, I said that like no. The word I actually used was this and you know like, sometimes, you know, dan Allender says, the founder of StoryWorks like facts don't actually matter, intent doesn't actually matter.
Kate Aldrich:When harm happens and that's very true and when we get hung up on them, we're not actually trying to repair, we're trying to be right, or the one who didn't offend, or whatever it may be, the focus is on the wrong place.
Kate Aldrich:I think that's what's key. Now I will also add because I always feel like people ask these kinds of things with your kiddos it doesn't mean that we don't parent right, correct, Like it doesn't mean that maybe the decision you had to make still has to stand, but you can listen and honor that that was really hard, that that really hurt, you know, and you can say, you can sit with them and say I hear you, I see, I see how that was really hurtful and I'm really sorry. I could have handled myself better, I should have said different things. Whatever it might be, you know your dad and I will talk about it. Or or you like, right, we'll talk about it and see. And sometimes you're going to come back and say, like our decision still stands, we still think that's the wisest thing, even though you weren't wrong in how I handled myself.
Brad Aldrich:Correct.
Kate Aldrich:So I just don't want all the parents out there to be like oh. So if a kiddo says like, hey, this is what I think, then I don't my, because I didn't necessarily I did it in a way that was hurtful, maybe it wasn't intended to be that, then I have to change my mind. No but we do have to own the hurt.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, no, I agree with that. I think yeah, and that is what makes this hard right, and I think we have to recognize that repair is difficult.
Brad Aldrich:It is going to be emotional for both people, because what you're doing is being vulnerable enough by saying I'm hurt, that really what we're doing is letting our shield down to say I could be hurt again, right. And our tendency is, when we're hurt, to push back, to fight back, to put our shield up, to put our guard up, and and that makes this really hard- or another one that's a little tricky is to make the other person start taking care of us. True.
Kate Aldrich:Right, we're hurt, we know. We kind of feel that check in our spirit, and so then we, our defense mechanism is to make them switch and have to take care of us.
Brad Aldrich:Yes.
Kate Aldrich:That's a really hard one. A lot of kids talk about it, right, Like I brought something to my parent and then my parent was crying. I'm not saying you can't have emotions, but you keep reiterating to your kiddo or to your spouse this is hard for me right now, but you don't have to make it better. I needed to hear this. It's okay. My emotions aren't because you've done something wrong. Right, Like trying to help them understand what you did in this process is really good. It's all okay if we feel things about it. Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:So that's one that I think sneaky and people realize a lot.
Brad Aldrich:It's really hard. So where does the role of forgiveness enter, this part of having repair in a relationship?
Kate Aldrich:That's a great question. Part of having repair in a relationship, that's a great question. I mean, with the resource from Gary Chapman, like he actually has forgiveness as one of the five. So for some people it's really important and I think as parents when our kids are young, a lot of times we push that Forgiveness is a heart thing and it is something we need to enter into if we're holding something. But for some people the process really isn't about I forgive you, but for some people it is. So I don't know. I mean, what would you say?
Brad Aldrich:I guess the place where I come is we have to have a better understanding of what real forgiveness is.
Brad Aldrich:Right. So that helps, because I think some people still get stuck in the forgive and forget mentality Right Like, so forgiveness means it's disappeared, kind of idea where that's really not what forgiveness is. You know, forgiveness is this idea of I do have a full account of how that harm happened, I'm counting the cost of that harm and I'm choosing for you not to have to pay for that cost. So that accounting ahead of time I think is an important part of the formula that I think sometimes gets missed. We just want to go okay, I forgive you and move on as if something didn't happen, where really what we're doing is releasing when something did happen and harm happened. When something did happen and harm happened, we're releasing the idea of restitution that the person has to make it up to us that they now owe us because that happened, or any of those kind of things, so I think it is important in a relationship, but we have to figure out how to do it well.
Kate Aldrich:Sure, absolutely, and I'm not suggesting that we don't do it. I'm just saying sometimes it's a conversation between people, sometimes it doesn't need to be.
Brad Aldrich:No, I would agree. I think there are times where we recognize you know, something in a conversation ended up hurting somebody, we go oh man, I did not intend to hurt you that way I'm really sorry that I did Help me to understand.
Brad Aldrich:So I know the stories behind why that hurt. Right, help me to understand that. Okay, I'm going to work really hard to try and avoid that in the future. Right, help me to understand that. Okay, I'm going to work really hard to try and avoid that in the future. Right, like that, and that may be enough period. Right, that we don't have to go to. Please forgive me, but I think it can be adding to that part of you. Know, please forgive me for causing that hurt.
Kate Aldrich:I'm going to try to do it differently, yeah, and I think this is where we would suggest you go to Gary Chapman's Apology Languages and take the free quiz. It's combining a lot of different things understanding that about you, but it's important to understand what you're looking for, and the thing that I would add to it is it comes from your story.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, oh, it absolutely does.
Kate Aldrich:What you're looking for from friends, family, spouse, kids. When there is something that is hurtful or offensive, what are you looking for? And you'd be surprised. You're probably like well, you probably think everybody's looking for the same thing, but the thing Gary Chapman is good at is boiling it down to five.
Brad Aldrich:Right and there are differences, but it's true. Yeah, can even have without specifics like okay, when we are in a conflict the day after, what do you need? What do you need in terms of repair, what do you need in terms of, you know, finding that reconnection? And is there places where you know re-talking about it, of owning it, of asking for forgiveness, of doing something, of making restitution for it?
Kate Aldrich:What's important. Yeah, I was going to say I have the five here because when I took the test, it's expressing regret, which is my top one accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting and requesting forgiveness. So those are, and actually I think I took this. I was looking at the date I took this. Guys, I probably should retake it. It was like over 10 years ago. I think that he might have.
Kate Aldrich:I thought, when we looked him up, like there was one he sort of edited what his name was, but that was another time we were trying to share it with a couple, but anyways, it's a really good resource to kind of understand what am I looking for, what really doesn't matter and what really does matter to me. So it's just something we encourage all couples to do, and then they're like oh, I never even really realized that's what I was asking for. Like I'm not sure I would have put it into words, but it is. So I think it can be a really helpful tool.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think it can be as well and I think it could be a really good conversation starter, right. This is one of those date night things that you can go in a just generic way. What is it that? You need in order to have repair, because every couple needs this skill. Because conflict does happen, rupture will happen, and the better we are at repair, that means the sooner we are going to use those tools, which means the ruptures don't get nearly as big.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So I think it's one of those things to keep talking about. This obviously isn't easy, right, and yet I think it's a topic that most couples don't sit and talk about, but they probably should, sure.
Kate Aldrich:And if you have kids, I think it's something you can change for the future. That's something brad and I are trying to do. How do we show them that we can repair?
Kate Aldrich:and our kids are young adults and teenagers, so it's different than when you have littles but, even then it's important to say I hear you that, right like that, we honor what they have to say in their voice. I'm not sure we always did it well then, I'm not sure we always do it well now, but we are trying to be intentional. We are not perfect. There is definitely conflict and rupture and hurt feelings in our family at times. So, but I think the posture of can we try to do this differently is what can impact generations for good.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, absolutely, Absolutely. So hey, that was really good. I hope you got something out of that and some encouragement to keep talking and repairing in your relationships. For sure. For sure. We hope that you have a great rest of your week and we'll be back next week with more on how you can continue still becoming one in your relationships. Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich:Be kind and take care of each other. Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media, be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.