Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Help I Married The Wrong Person
Brad and Kate Aldrich challenge the common belief that marriage problems stem from choosing the wrong person, revealing how our personal stories shape relationship patterns regardless of who we marry.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One. Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich:We're in a weird place today, so it's probably best to just be forewarned. It's awfully dreary here in Pennsylvania.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, it is, I guess.
Kate Aldrich:I can't claim it for the whole state, but where we live it's yuck and cold and we had a very fun weekend with lots of things that are special to our family, and so it was a good weekend in many ways. And then it was a stressful, tiring weekend for completely other reasons, and so we're in a strange place and Brad and I just were saying I said, when life gives you lemons, and he decided to be the man that I married, who I love so much, and said Life doesn't actually give you lemons.
Kate Aldrich:Well, no. What did you say first?
Brad Aldrich:You said we make them.
Kate Aldrich:And I was like what? And he's like lemons are not natural, they're manmade guys. This is this is my life.
Brad Aldrich:When life gives you lemons. We were never supposed to have lemons in the first place. We bred them. We've made them out of oranges and bitter oranges and citrons and bred them into lemons.
Kate Aldrich:I made him look it up and then I said what about limes?
Brad Aldrich:No, actually, what she said is you can fact check that for me. So I re-showed her that I'm not the only one who said this.
Kate Aldrich:No, I said you got to look that up. I know that's what I said. And so then I I said look up limes too, because I don't believe you, because limes are man-made as well so life never gave you lemons, you we designed them, and now we have to complain about having lemons so that saying that sheds a lot of light on that saying and in a way, that's yeah, we're not contemplating that for our life decisions right now.
Brad Aldrich:No, we're just yeah, no, but that actually goes a little bit with the topic that we said we were going to talk about today.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, didn't make that connection until now. I didn't either until just now. But it works Okay.
Brad Aldrich:Right, because one of the things that we hear from people every once in a while is more often than you yeah, more often than you think is. You know we're having marriage problems and it really just goes back to I picked the wrong person or I didn't choose well I didn't choose.
Kate Aldrich:That too it's not always the wrong person, but maybe I I chose wrong. Like um, I just didn't think about all these things and it's just we'll get into some of that. That's an interesting thought, um, yeah, so.
Brad Aldrich:I think many times I end up hearing that as people almost going, uh like, all right, I need to get out of my marriage and it's really, it's a problem because I just picked the wrong person. We're not right for each other and so now I just need to get out and start over.
Kate Aldrich:I don't know that it's always that, but I think it. I mean, some people are looking for that. I think it also gives people a like okay, this isn't working. Maybe they don't specifically want out, but we chose wrong. So we can just kind of continue to say that's the reason we are where we are, if that makes sense, like. I think it gives them a sense of like, okay, I just chose wrong. Yeah. And it's like I don't know that that's the case, Because wherever you go there, you are.
Brad Aldrich:Well, I think I mean. The first part in this is to recognize that we chose our spouse for a reason.
Kate Aldrich:Should we get into why you chose me?
Brad Aldrich:I know why I chose you, but there were reasons behind it, right? Because I?
Kate Aldrich:was hilarious.
Brad Aldrich:There's reasons that we chose their personality. There were reasons that we chose their quirks, their positives, their negatives, all the above.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, yep, no, I know this to be true, but now I am really curious why you choose me, man.
Brad Aldrich:Well, you have a layer of spunk that I think I needed in my life and have always needed in my life, right? Is that a surprise to literally anybody?
Kate Aldrich:Oh, my word though, guys. He has made it abundantly clear over almost 26 years of marriage he does not need it in the morning, that's true, and he does not need it before at least two cups of coffee.
Brad Aldrich:That's true too, but there was a place where some of that side of you I certainly needed.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich:And we're not even getting into the family dynamics and the other parts of life that were certainly very attractive.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, so it was spunk, but what about you?
Brad Aldrich:Why did you marry me then?
Kate Aldrich:My goodness Cause. You were. First of all, you were cute.
Brad Aldrich:I skipped over that part too.
Kate Aldrich:Thanks a lot for skipping over that part, anyways, cause you were extremely adorable, cute, handsome and really good at connecting, good at communicating, um, good at having really deep conversations. So probably bringing that depth to my needing, needing to have levity in my life. Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Um, I didn't. It's really funny, though I feel like this is getting off on a tangent, but I don't remember being super snarky or funny in my family. There really wasn't space and my family was a high respect family. So there wasn't like I respect family, so there wasn't like that would not have been delivered and received well. So I don't remember doing a lot of that. Actually, I do believe. It's a piece of me that I've embraced over the years. I think levity when we met, but then it's grown into other things.
Kate Aldrich:Sometimes my kids don't appreciate it either, but and I try to honor that. So, anyways, I think even those things have morphed and changed as you know your story and become more of who you are.
Brad Aldrich:Right? No, I totally agree there is, but there's elements of it, right, and I think every couple probably needs to look back and go man, what were those things that drew me to that person? Right? And maybe we need to have a little bit of the Christianese conversation here of like does God have a person for us?
Kate Aldrich:I was going to say, if you guys could see our facial expressions this morning, what the Christian needs. Do we really need to bring it in? It doesn't really help anybody.
Brad Aldrich:But I do believe there are plenty of people out there that are like oh God told me to that we were going to be together. Or like that, use some Christian language around. God ordained us to be together.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and that's kind of like I think the language that's dangerous and does not work is the whole language of you know, from the beginning of time you have been the one. True because you are the person that I married. The one True because you are the person that I married. Also not true because the reality is, as soon as we do something off of if we believe that God has only one path for us, as soon as we do something off of that path because we are sinful, right, because we're selfish people, we're already off. We're already off and coming back to that would be very difficult. Getting back to that right, like they're I don't know, you're making facial expressions too, so I'm not sure what you're doing, but like that's the problem with that. Like I do believe praying and asking God. Like problem with that. Like I do believe praying and asking God. Like are we two people that would be good together? Because sometimes you do date someone that's you're like nope, this is not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich:And I get that. My only face was I can go. So much simpler than that. I think there's so many decisions that we agonize in prayer over that. There are lots of potential yeses too. Right, what school should I go to? What job should I have? What person should I marry? There's lots of good potential yeses, and I think we over spiritualize things to go well, this has to be the thing that you pick. Is there sometimes a no, absolutely. But I think there are lots of possible yeses and we over-spiritualize it to go like you are the one and we've said this before but that whole idea of you're my other half or, um, you're the soulmate, yes, there we go okay, I was like I didn't know if we were doing all kinds of fun ones like toasted jam, you're my lemon to my lemonade.
Kate Aldrich:Oh no, we don't. We don't want to do that.
Brad Aldrich:No, that you're my soulmate, like that is not a. Are you complete me? Yeah, that is not a Christian. Or you complete me. Yeah, that's not a Christian idea and all of that is really really crappy, right. The idea of there's one person out there that is meant to complete your soul is a terrifyingly vague and not very helpful belief. Vague and not very helpful belief.
Kate Aldrich:Well, it's putting an expectation on your spouse which we do often do to be Jesus. Like Jesus is the only one who can fill that piece. Not that filling the missing piece can also be weird, but I mean like he comes to restore what was broken through our sinful choices, and only he can do that in completeness, like our spouse can walk alongside of us in our story and be an encourager, be a champion, but they can't fix us.
Brad Aldrich:Right, correct and this is part of part of that issue. So this whole idea of I married the right person, the wrong person like. What do we do with that? Just throw it away okay, but I, I think, throw it out the window.
Kate Aldrich:It's not helpful right you are married to this person outside of abuse. We are never talking about abuse like outside of that. You guys got married, you chose each other. It's more important to spend your time figuring out why it feels like it's not working, because that has everything to do with your story and figure that out instead of like spending energy saying did I marry the wrong person? Here's the challenge.
Kate Aldrich:I tell people you think you married the wrong person, but you and I sitting here chatting would have gotten to this point no matter who you married. It might have been sooner, might have been later, but your reactions to your spouse are about your story and I'm not saying what they're doing isn't impacting you. That's about their story. But like we would have had to have this conversation at some point, no matter what, because our spouse plays into our story, partially because we chose them, because we are most comfortable with the themes that happen in our life as children. That happened in our lives as children, and so we often pick spouses that play that out right, which sounds crazy. It's not a cognizant decision, it's's a you fit into this. Now you also. The great things about you know you for me are also true, but there are pieces of my trauma, my growing up, that you fit into well. Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And me into yours.
Brad Aldrich:And so one of the things that I'm kind of hearing in everything that you're saying is, if we believe that we picked the wrong spouse, getting rid of that spouse and going back and picking again is probably going to have us making the same mistake.
Kate Aldrich:Sure, it might look different and you might be with a spouse that, whatever their story is, can navigate it slightly different with you. Like it's not that there aren't any variables if you choose again, and we're not. This is not about divorce or, you know, judging or talking poorly about it. It's really about you can take any relationship about it.
Brad Aldrich:It's really about you can take any relationship. I would say maybe if we hadn't done the work to understand why we chose that person in the first place, then we would probably be repeating it.
Kate Aldrich:Of course, but what I was saying is like you can even take friendships or family relations Okay, wait a second. I won't say family relationships, because those are different. We fall into patterns that fit our story. But friendships you can see these things playing out too. I see patterns in my friendships over the years, and so it's really just understanding what's happening for you In marriage. It's really good to understand what's happening for your spouse, and then that is where you can walk in freedom together and actually have a marriage that you wanted. So it really is about exploring each other's stories instead of why are we unequally matched? Why do we always do this? Why do we never do that?
Brad Aldrich:Why doesn't he see me? Why doesn't she meet my need? Why doesn't we tend to get very when we're hurt, we tend to get very eye-focused of. This is what my need, or this is what. I need in this situation. This is what the other person isn't doing. And we tend to just get very focused on that side of things.
Kate Aldrich:Or it looks like. It may look different, because it may look like you never, you never, you never, but that's still I focused.
Brad Aldrich:It's still, I focused right.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:You never meet my need, you never do this thing, you never, you know, do whatever you know, whatever that is. And I think many times it comes down to this place of you aren't? Don't look like. I expected you to look like.
Kate Aldrich:Not physically.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, exactly Right. No, you don't that would be weird. You're not meeting my expectation. I must have picked wrong.
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or we just weren't equally matched, all of these kinds of things. Yeah, we weren't compatible.
Brad Aldrich:Oh yeah, that's one. I hear that one all the time.
Kate Aldrich:And it's like well, nobody's compatible.
Brad Aldrich:Right. In fact, that's one of the things that we say when we're doing premarital, like there's.
Brad Aldrich:In fact, the whole idea of compatibility is really coming from the dating website belief that if you take this test and you guys are compatible then you're going to have a great marriage and there's nowhere else that actually says that this idea of compatibility is what makes a great marriage, because the problem is that you're different as soon as you're done taking that test and there is no perfect compatibility. There is the ability to grow and communicate and listen and meet each other's needs and self-sacrifice and communicate, but it's not compatibility that actually makes a good marriage.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and I think people today, especially with all the dating sites and such which Brad and I have never interacted with. So we do honor and understand that.
Brad Aldrich:But there's this piece of like well if I found each other and started dating without a site?
Kate Aldrich:we did we did.
Kate Aldrich:Um, but we were also 16 and 17. So you know, I mean your pool is a little bit larger when you're still in high school, um, but like there's this piece of if I answer all these questions well and someone else does as well, then we have a better chance. I think is what people are thinking Right or we have a higher chance, or like this is going to be better. I think those things are important. I mean, they used to happen when people would get together and talk right, you'd learn those things about each other, which was definitely a different process.
Kate Aldrich:So we're trying to kind of skip over that process a bit and I think it helps, but it's not everything, and you just need to remember that it helps, but it's not everything, and you just need to remember that. I know too we have lots of people who've done well dating in general, but specifically dating sites, like they were so different while we were dating. We hear that kind of universally.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, you functioned or you interacted very differently when you were dating versus when you got married or you interacted very differently when you were dating versus when you got married.
Kate Aldrich:Which is a very kicking. My microphone here, guys, which is a very like survival skill. What do you think about that? That it looks very different when we're dating. Let's analyze this.
Brad Aldrich:You know, I hate to oversimplify it, but there is some place where, when we're in the dating phase, we're kind of in a trying to decide and trying to obtain that person right. We're trying to get something, wow.
Kate Aldrich:That sounded horrible.
Brad Aldrich:I know it does. I know and I'm you know guys are pretty awful in this.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, I don't think that's necessarily true.
Brad Aldrich:We'll do the things that is required to get that person. But then, once we have that person, our focus then goes to the next thing.
Kate Aldrich:all too often, the next thing, but not trying to get that next thing.
Brad Aldrich:Well, no, often it is, and often that next thing is okay, I'm gonna get a house or I'm gonna, I'm gonna get get this job, I'm gonna get this like so we move on to the next thing that we have to conquest and we've had that, so we don't need it, and that that is oversimplifying it 100%, but I do think that's part of it is people put on the charm and can love, bomb and build the relationship, but then, once they have the relationship, maintaining it is less important.
Kate Aldrich:Is it that? Or they don't know how to do it long term, especially if it's not something, a skill you've honed in on. Because I think a lot of times we hear, you know, people say well, I'm just, I'm just not a conversationalist, I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to initiate intimacy. Like I want to be fair to both sides here. There's like not one-sided that men stop pursuing. There's other factors that go in there, but it does, would say if. If you can't relate to this, I I am sorry, but like we brought pets into our family, yeah, and like you know, the kids are all like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, gung ho, gung ho. And then after a month it's's like oh, this dog.
Brad Aldrich:I have to walk them in the rain, the dog still has to be walked like after a month.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, it's kind of like me, though, too, because how many times do I say they want fed dinner every single night and that I underestimated?
Brad Aldrich:So I guess, it's like About having kids yeah.
Kate Aldrich:I guess it's like all of us right, we can do something, but doing something long term is a challenge. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:For us, it is, and because it moves from this thing that I'm getting something out of, to now it's just a responsibility and excitement and all kinds of things.
Brad Aldrich:So I think that is some of the things of what changes from when we're dating to when we're married, and it's why we come and talk so often about the importance of continuing to date in your marriage and continuing to pursue each other and continuing to learn who this person is. I mean, I think the most common complaint we hear from couples is we're just living our lives together or we're living as roommates or two ships passing in the wind.
Brad Aldrich:that kind of idea of we can function just fine together, but that's it. There's just functioning.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and I hear even a trend of like we parent really well together. We can have really good conversations about the schedule, but everything else breaks down.
Brad Aldrich:Okay. So what do you do if you actually feel like you've married the wrong person? You feel this disconnection. You've tried to figure out how to change it, but you keep getting stuck in the same pattern of kind of going back to maybe you'll, you know, do better for a couple of weeks and then it just kind of slides back into being roommates together and functioning together. What do you do?
Kate Aldrich:Well, we work with couples to figure out why they're doing what they're doing.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and I think there's more to it, right? Honestly, I think it is an easy answer to say I married the wrong person. I think it's a harder answer to go. What was it that attracted you to this person? What was it that attracted them to you? How do we build on that and how do we look at some of your story that's keeping you stuck?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I don't think people can build until you figure out what's going on. That's the challenge, correct, because people will often come to us and just want tools and we're very happy to give them to you, but they always break down because if you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, the tools only last or help for a very short period of time or not help at all.
Brad Aldrich:So you're saying there's a reason why, if a wife is continually asking her husband to communicate more or to initiate more communication and time together, and he maybe does it for a little while but then stops again that there's a reason behind some of that?
Kate Aldrich:Right, and it's not a reason of what he's choosing. There are things that are playing out from your story that if you don't understand them, you can't actually do them differently.
Brad Aldrich:Mm-hmm. No, I think that's really. The heart of it is that we're stuck in a script and going to repeat those same patterns, whether or not it's with this person or the next person, unless we get to the bottom of why those patterns exist.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I don't know, that's the bottom. I mean it shouldn't be. That's the thing. It shouldn't be presented as you're doing something wrong. Right, it's not. I mean there's not to say that the two of you don't need to change some of the things that you're doing, but you're, and sometimes we are hurting each other. So I guess I should be clear about that. But it's really trying to go in with a curious kindness and understand why each one of us does the things that we do pretty consistently, Because there's reasons behind it, and so if we can enter in with compassion and kindness, we can understand and then we can have the space and place to choose what is better.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and healthier. And we can start to kind of understand why we fall into these patterns over and over again. Right, I truly believe that nobody wants to repeat that same cycle over and over, and over and over again. And yet we're not sure why we do.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I mean I yeah, I think most people don't know why, and I do think many people don't want to keep doing it, but I also think you don't really know any other way to do it. So it's just all gets very confusing inside your body and so I think some people hate the things they're doing. Some people are just so confused it's just, it's hard.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, I agree, and I do think this is where couples doing story work together to actually understand. Oh, when my wife does this, it's not that she's mad at me, it's actually that she's playing out a strategy that she's had to play out since she was a little kid, and that's why this happens, or my husband isn't ignoring me. It's that, whatever, and starting to try and understand those deeper stories, I think can be a huge impact for a couple?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure. I think it's definitely something more couples could do. That would be helpful. Instead of just we need to learn to be better communicators, no, we need to actually learn why we're communicating the way we are. Yeah. That's way more helpful than you know, giving you some tool to communicate better.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, correct, I think there's a lot of tools to help us communicate better and if you know yes, I think there is sometimes we need to learn some of those skills and why we're doing it poorly and how to think about our communication sometimes. But yes, I agree, we need to figure out why it gets tough.
Kate Aldrich:I hear that, but I just think that has to come after 's, not, it's going to be very hard to have lasting change. If you, if you just put in the tools of like listen really well, right, those things can be helpful to some extent. But most times we find that they get frustrating because those things from their childhood, the strategies, are still wanting to come out, to come to the surface, and we have to honor the strategies for what they are. It doesn't mean we have to follow them, but how do we know what we're trying to do and understand it with compassion and understand what our spouse is trying to do with compassion, if we're just trying to implement tools? So to me, tools come after we understand.
Brad Aldrich:I like that, okay. So if there's somebody listening today who is in the process of getting married or dating, or maybe their child is dating and they want to send this to them, what are the things that we need to be thinking about?
Kate Aldrich:If your child is dating, don't send this to them. That's not a good idea.
Brad Aldrich:I agree, okay, let's just good idea.
Kate Aldrich:I agree, okay, let's, just let's just nope, but what?
Brad Aldrich:what are some of the things that we need to be thinking about in terms of am I going to marry the right person?
Kate Aldrich:or not. I I don't think if there are huge red flags of things that are like this is not good, this is, you know, we cannot work together with this these subjects, whatever red flags, should be really considered of like is this smart and wise for us to continue? Yellow flags are like hmm, but we could potentially explore this in premarital. The challenge is, with premarital, usually there's already money that's gone into a wedding which, believe it or not, impacts a lot of people's decisions. Oh my gosh, yeah.
Kate Aldrich:So I think if you're seeing enough significant yellow flags and you find someone to meet with before you get engaged, just to kind of clear that up, a lot of times in premarital we like to do we talk about the subjects, but we like to do story work with them, because that's actually what's going to be most helpful for them. Getting married is understanding their story and what plays into it. So I think you know to it. So I think you know best thing I can encourage people to do is think about it in terms of that. We all have things we have to talk about and work through. You're going to for the rest of your marriage, so get used to it.
Brad Aldrich:I think that's the thing right there is. Is this a person that you can be real with, talk about and get to what some of the real things are?
Kate Aldrich:Sure. Yeah, that's definitely a plus, but I do think it should be evaluated in are our flags or concerns or things that we need to talk about? Are they red, huge banners that are like screaming at us with concern, or are they just normal differences because we come from two totally different families?
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:Right. So I think you should be considering that, because if they're huge red ones, how do you tell the difference between a red flag and a yellow flag?
Brad Aldrich:You know a couple who's had some fights, or a couple who's You're not in front of the microphone. Correct.
Kate Aldrich:I think it's different for every couple, but a red flag to me is a nagging concern that feels like I don't know how we would continue to navigate this. Of course it includes any sort of behavior that feels abusive or oppressive or neglectful to to an extreme. Any of those things should be um seen as red flags and get help, get someone who can give you wise advice, keep you safe. To say those relationships shouldn't be entered into, I think is an understatement. I'm not saying we can't have hope that people can change, but do not think and hope that they'll change after you're married. That's just a really bad decision, right?
Brad Aldrich:If there are red flag concerns then— Trying to change somebody you're marrying is a really bad idea.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:On both parts right.
Kate Aldrich:Encourage that person— Somebody shouldn't be trying to change you either. Encourage that person to seek health and if that ends up working out that you're still there when that happens, fine. But like most times, those things should not be continued. Yellow flags are things like you know um differences of opinions in. I mean, I'm trying to think for you and I when we got married oh, I would say yellow flags could be things like conflicts.
Brad Aldrich:You know, a conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. It is something to be paid attention to and to be figured out how we can work through right and how do you do the repair well, as we've talked about, but it's not something that is like, oh my gosh, they had a conflict.
Kate Aldrich:Well, I would also say conflicts are easy to pick out, but what are the conflicts you're not having that you should be having?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:So it's really hard to name specific yellow flags.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, but I really individualized people.
Brad Aldrich:Right, I think it's more important to call out some of the big things, and I'm guessing some people are sitting here going yeah, I had some of those really big things my spouse was asking me to change, or wouldn't change, or you know, and we still got married and maybe that's why we're stuck and having these problems, and I won't disagree, it is, but I think there are things that you can do about it and that you can learn how to figure out, how to work through each other's story together.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah. So, guys, we do really believe that marriages can be saved and pulled together and reconciled through all kinds of stuff. We have seen strength come through a lot of ashes.
Kate Aldrich:Or a lot of lemonade.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, that too, so we would love to continue this conversation. I'm going to guess some of you are maybe a little frustrated by like ugh, but I just feel like they're wrong for me and I can recognize. I can understand that feeling and I still think there are places that you can figure out what growing together looks like. I hope that was helpful for some of you and we're really excited to continue this conversation. We're going to be talking more about story work next week with a special guest, so be sure to check in and we'll be talking to you more about all of this soon, and until next time I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.