Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Balancing Marriage When Careers Demand Too Much
What happens when one partner has a career that demands everything? Whether it's an 80-hour workweek, constant travel, or shift work that throws off your entire family rhythm, demanding careers create unique challenges for relationships.
Brad and Kate tackle this reality head-on, acknowledging the struggles couples face when balancing intense professional demands with maintaining connection. Through their personal experiences and professional coaching work, they offer a refreshing perspective: your marriage doesn't need to look like anyone else's. The standard models simply don't apply when your circumstances aren't standard.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation.
Brad Aldrich:Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One. Welcome back. We are glad that you're here today.
Kate Aldrich:Yes.
Brad Aldrich:You always tell me we have to check in. At the beginning of these episodes I say we have to chat, yes, okay, and not just be like, not just jump right in, dive right into the subject. You can tell our personality differences. Yeah, right, I'm like, come on, let's get on with it.
Kate Aldrich:Really, I'm like equating that to other things. That's not always the case. Sometimes you like the the slow buildup.
Brad Aldrich:That is true.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, but that's not what we're talking about today. Yeah, what's been happening in our life? We finished the graduation season.
Brad Aldrich:Yay, finally.
Kate Aldrich:Thank you, Jen Hatmaker, for those wise words. No.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, so we had the other graduation. We were doing this this summer, had graduation parties and all the things.
Kate Aldrich:It was so fun though it was. It was so fun to celebrate with our middle daughter and our oldest son earlier in the month or earlier in May. Yeah, so it was good times. I think it also. You know, we're just all built differently, and I think, for me, parties are. Some people thrive in throwing parties. I do not.
Brad Aldrich:You do just fine, you sell yourself short.
Kate Aldrich:Okay. Okay, there's a difference between I can pull it off and make it done well and feel like that's a gift, feel like that's something I thrive in.
Kate Aldrich:You pull it off and you do it really well and our kids always feel loved and special To some extent I think that's true, but I can't tell you how many times I've had good intentions with buying like fun decor, and then I either forget to do it or we don't do it all. But anyways, it was a good. It was a good weekend. It was so fun to see her it was excited, definitely so.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, you know, and that's the thing family things jump in and take so much time, so much energy. Like both of us, I think, sunday felt pretty darn exhausted.
Kate Aldrich:We did for sure. Well, and then we follow up, like she has a good core group of friends. So then we had to go to one of their kiddo, one of theirs graduation party. So it just kind of kept going. But we did sneak in a date, sunday night which was very needed. It was nice.
Kate Aldrich:Just the two of us. Nobody else got to come. Even though our youngest always says she should really third wheel with us. But no we're not having any of that on date night. So, yeah, it was good, and we're back in the studio or brad's office thinking about what we want to talk about.
Brad Aldrich:Yep. So one of the things that we kind of were talking about is these times when one person ends up having a really heavy or time oriented job that ends up pulling a lot of weight away from the couple, away from the family, and that could be in terms of travel, like I've worked with people who have these horrendous schedules where they I've had a couple of clients who've worked on like oil rigs or things like that, where they're two weeks they're out at their work and then two weeks they're home and then two like kind of back and forth.
Kate Aldrich:So you get that kind of weird schedule I thought people were on oil rigs for like eight it depends different, different jobs different things right and where.
Brad Aldrich:So you have those kind of things, you have that kind of schedule, you have just really heavy jobs that require a lot of time, energy. I was even thinking like swing shift people Sure, that kind of never get used to when they're going to be awake or asleep, like that. And so then as a family, you've got this thing of okay, well, so-and-so is working tonight, which means they're sleeping during the day, so we have to be quiet tonight, which means they're sleeping during the day. So we have to be quiet.
Brad Aldrich:Their job just takes so much energy and presence from the family.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure, and I think that we often get people asking us either clients at our events, online talking to us about but we have these extenuating circumstances that make it really hard.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And I want to honor that because it's true.
Brad Aldrich:It is.
Kate Aldrich:But it's also like, okay, well, what do we do with that? How do we learn that this is us, literally, and how do we make sure our marriage can still be a priority even with those extenuating circumstances?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think that's one of the things that the way I often end up hearing it when I'm working with people is I'm spending my energy, all of my energy, at my work, and so then I don't have time to do excess chores or to engage at home or to like those to watch the kids to. You know, give my spouse time to go off by themselves, like and almost, I guess, kind of going that has to be okay.
Kate Aldrich:Hmm, is it always that their energy is expended? Sometimes it is just well. I guess that would equal it.
Brad Aldrich:I was trying to think of their situations where sometimes it is just time, like I mean a lot of it obviously is time somebody are equated I've talked to somebody not that long ago who was in in one of those careers that kind of early in his career. This person happened to be a he, but early in his career it is expected and anticipated that you need to be doing like 75, 80 hour weeks and like that's anticipated. If you don't do that, he's not going to be successful like that. That's one of the things they say that sounds awful it is.
Brad Aldrich:It is awful, but we expect that of a lot of professions at the beginning of their professions like I've heard those things from lawyers, from doctors, from like people who are in this intense learning environments yep, what you have to do is a couple of years of grinding really, really hard in order to get to a certain level kind of thing, and relationships have like seem to go on the back burner yeah, I think it.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, you know me, I like to go off on tangents, but can can we talk about why America does that to people?
Brad Aldrich:Oh my gosh, that's an interesting question.
Kate Aldrich:It feels wrong. It feels like I don't know.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, I've heard statistics of you know doctors in their residency because they are paid for them, but they're paid, you know, for a 40 hour a week and they're not paid that well. I think they're paid like maybe $80,000 a year or something for their 40 hour a week, but they're usually working double that and so they're really making something like you know $14 an hour or something when they're going through residency and it's pathetically small, seriously, oh yeah no, if you, if you if you equate it to how many hours they're actually expected to do okay, okay, okay, I gotcha.
Kate Aldrich:I'm like, does our 17 year old know that? Because she thinks she thinks she should be making as she says bank at her age.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, forget that, um, but anyways, and I think those doctors, after they get through residency and after they get a job, like then it does get better, but they also have to pay off tremendous loans exactly we could go down this rabbit hole forever.
Kate Aldrich:But and I think you know, there's lots of circumstances we've heard with this and you know who you are military.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, firefighters, I've heard this same kind of thing. They do 12 hours on, 12 hours off.
Kate Aldrich:Attorneys, yep, all kinds of things.
Brad Aldrich:Important jobs.
Kate Aldrich:And it could be either spouse, it could be both. This is not gender specific.
Brad Aldrich:We've run into this in both spouses, like we've run into jobs that you know women are going okay, I'm going back to work and I'm going to have this job and it's going to take this and like yeah.
Brad Aldrich:I've I've run into that. I've had women CEOs that feel like they have to. You know, have that 60 hour a week work and you work and then balancing. So it isn't gender-specific, it is this expectation. There is then this challenge of what do you do? Because I think the person who's doing all the work feels like a big part of what they're contributing to the family is their paycheck. And so they're doing all of this tremendous amount of labor, either for a current or future paycheck kind of thing right.
Brad Aldrich:Like so I'm going to get through this and I'll get residency or partner or whatever. Yeah, or they're already doing the thing they're already doing the thing, and this is what it takes you know, I have to do this shift. I have to do, you know, I thought you were gonna say something else.
Kate Aldrich:Sorry, and it's not always like some people meet their spouses when they're already actively doing something.
Kate Aldrich:So it's not always like they're in the stages of improvement not that they're. You know what I mean, moving up all those kinds of things, and I I think I think we hear you, we see you in. This doesn't feel like a family with someone who has a nine to five job who can, for the most part, leave that job emotionally when they come home Although I feel like that's a that's a really rare thing these days. Um, but we see you, we hear you. It's hard and I think you know the biggest thing that Brad and I can say is your marriage doesn't have to look like anyone else's marriage.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, I do think that's like we have to break the mold, yeah, right yeah. Like you're never going to fit into the perfect mold. That I think is kind of this ideal that's out there and and all of that.
Kate Aldrich:Well, let's be honest, maybe we should smash the mold. Does that come from Chris Christian?
Brad Aldrich:Like, let's just, yeah, I think a lot of that is coming from a 1950s mentality of he works, she does, she stay at home, does all the child care and home care and he maybe, you know, takes care of the grass and shovels the driveway, like that, and you know that kind of in the cars, right, those are his domain and but yet really running the home is the wife's domain and I think most many of our you know the United States anyway have moved away from that as understanding that reality, that as a reality in 2025. But I do see in Christian circles that that is still this desired state.
Kate Aldrich:Hmm, I was trying to think do you think it's desired or is impressed upon people?
Brad Aldrich:Both potentially, like I've seen it, and this dramatically shifts things right. And I do want to say this I know and we've talked to some women who absolutely adore staying home. They're thrilled that they can stay home and be stay-at-home moms and this is what they want to do and they are really excited for that opportunity and I think that's fantastic. Yeah, of course, right, I want to support that. If that is what a woman truly wants to do, great. However, I've also seen a lot of times where once kids are around, or once, especially, two kids are around, they look at the costs of childcare and they go well this is silly.
Brad Aldrich:You're basically going to be working in order to pay for childcare. Why are we doing this? So then one person ends up staying home often her, and she's not even sure she really wants to or there's a sense of loss. Certainly because of that.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, I think I was going to speak to that. Yes, some women absolutely just are in their zone. That's what they've always wanted to do, um, but there are a large group of women. Not that it's about you're in one category and you're not in the other. It's really fine to be in either. But I think it's good to give voice to the group of women who were super excited to stay home with their children but feel a deep sense of loss to the things they felt called for, called to before and I know I'm using Christianese language there, but doesn't need to be necessarily right Like you had a career as this and then you had kiddos and I can certainly say I was in that category.
Kate Aldrich:I loved the opportunity to stay home with our kids for as long as I could, but I also wrestled with feeling like this is hard, like I had a different purpose before. Yes, they're part of my purpose now, however, like it was just such a I don't know, such a tug of war inside of me. It wasn't. It wasn't that I didn't want to be home with my kids, it wasn't that I necessarily wanted to stay working. It's just. It's different. It is a grief process, because most of us don't go back to that after our kids launch.
Brad Aldrich:Right, and can I just say I hope that I've grown quite a bit since our kids were young.
Kate Aldrich:I hope not. You were 6'3" man, when would you be?
Brad Aldrich:Well, I've grown in other directions too, but I hope that I've grown maturity-wise. But I will tell you, when our kids were young, I didn't once think about going well, I could be a stay-at-home dad, like that. That was not something. That even like it just wasn't even something I wanted to do. It wasn't something I was thinking about doing, like it wasn't an option. And and so we never. I don't think we ever talked like that, of like well, one of the options is you could work and I could stay at home.
Kate Aldrich:I did work while you went to school.
Brad Aldrich:You did.
Kate Aldrich:But yeah, without children. I mean, come on, yes, and that's totally okay and we have really good friends from our first church right after I was out of school that I was the youth pastor that did that and I have no problem with that.
Brad Aldrich:No, I think I know several guys who do, but I'm just saying that that wasn't on our radar either. I agree, but I'm kind of even more going off of what you were just saying of, like man. It was this hard emotional shift and I want to say like I don't think I even realized that because I never even conceived of, huh, I could make my career, our kids so you're saying because you you never sort of put yourself as best you could in my shoes?
Brad Aldrich:you kind of just thought I kind of missed the fact that it was a, that it was a tug of war inside of me, right yeah.
Kate Aldrich:No I get that.
Brad Aldrich:I think that is something that needs to be acknowledged. And yeah, I think we need to be talking about that, because I end up when I do story work groups with men and things like that, I often will talk about finding our identity and our purpose and one of the things I talk about often because when I just kind of open that conversation, every group that I've ever done starts talking about their career, and that's great. I do believe that career is part of our purpose, is part of my purpose, mm-hmm, but I always try to remind men there is more to your purpose than what happens that you get paid for. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Right and we need to look for those opportunities to find purpose and fulfillment and joy in other places, Like that is the point. I think most men haven't really fought for that and thought about that and I think most Christian men have this bias that says, well, their wife is getting their purpose from their kids and I think that's an unfortunate bias and I think, unfortunately the whole purpose thing is unfortunately very singular in the Christian community.
Kate Aldrich:Like we make it very singular, I don't have just one purpose in life.
Kate Aldrich:The Lord has many purposes for me, and that can even be when I'm raising my children and staying at home. But you know, I think encouraging a spouse who is staying home with kids like what are the other purposes you have in your life and how can I make room for them, is important as well. But all of this being said, and bringing it back to our original topic, I just think it's important that we give that voice, that women can actually have a space to say like this is just so different.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:I want to do it, but I also mourn and grieve the fact that I don't get to do that anymore. Yeah, at least that anymore. Yeah, at least full time.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, at least full time or any of that In a way that yeah.
Kate Aldrich:So I just think that's an important. I just see that women need that space to be able to say that Some women may not feel that way at all and that's also fine, but for those who feel like it husbands, spouses, wives know that you can carry both.
Brad Aldrich:Correct and I think here's okay, so we're going back to the topic. That means one of the things that we have to recognize is we have more purposes than our job, and so if we get wrapped up into my purpose is only my job, then we are missing the fact that we got married, the fact that we decided to have kids, the fact that we did have other things that were part of our purpose, right, if you wanted to remain single and not have a family and you wanted to have your whole purpose be your job, fine, fine.
Kate Aldrich:You kind of got to stay and do that.
Brad Aldrich:That's right. But if you choose like, oh, I want to have these other important relationships in my life, then we don't get to expect them to kowtow to well. That my purpose right now is. I work 80 hours a week, so that's all I get to do. You just have to be nice to me.
Kate Aldrich:I don't think anybody quite says that. Of course they don't. I hope not.
Brad Aldrich:Of course they don't, but I think that's what comes across. Is that attitude?
Kate Aldrich:And I do think in these circumstances, we need to honor, if you or your spouse has a job that is requiring that much of you, whether it's hours, whether it's, you know, commitment to being away, however it looks and works, the reality is your spouse is making a commitment too and and I think we need to acknowledge that and give it voice. You know, hey, if, if you're already in the job, you're marrying me, so you do understand, like, having these conversations, you do understand what this is going to look like. And then also, if kids come in later, having those conversations, right Cause it's readjusting, because that's totally different than two people who are, you know, it's just the two of them figuring it out. I was thinking about and shared with Brad just recently that, like, this is not a political statement, so don't hear it as such, but I think this is really profound.
Kate Aldrich:You know, former President Barack Obama shared that when he left the presidency in the White House and I honor I could never be president, just couldn't. I couldn't have Brad be president either. But, like he acknowledged, like leaving that position, I had a lot of work to do because there was just no way I could have nurtured our relationship as much as I wanted to while I was in office. And of course, there's only one president in the United States, so no one else is having that going on. But there can be all kinds of jobs that require something that's very similar, and when you do that and I'm sure Michelle Obama knew this like you're signing up for something as well, correct, and as the spouse, we need to recognize that, and as the spouse who's doing the job, you need to recognize that. And then how do we figure it out so that our marriage doesn't end up in ruin?
Brad Aldrich:I think that is critical, that you're at least having that conversation and hopefully regularly having this conversation.
Kate Aldrich:I think you would have to Right. Because you might find a rhythm, and then who knows what happens.
Brad Aldrich:And I mean we often do say we think it's important that couples you know, once or twice a year kind of, sit down down and have the state of the marriage conversation. How are we doing?
Kate Aldrich:That's not just because we talked about a president.
Brad Aldrich:No.
Kate Aldrich:State of the union. You could just call it the state of the union.
Brad Aldrich:Exactly, but having that conversation that starts to say really, how are we doing? What are our plans for this year? What are your dreams for this year? What are your dreams for this year? What needs to grow?
Brad Aldrich:I think that kind of conversation is essential when we're in a place where you know a job like this is pulling us away so much, Because you know we talk over and over and over again on the podcast about how important communication is, how important time is. You know how date nights are important. You know those things get pulled away when we're talking this kind of job and I think you have to be on the same page and in a little way this is not a great analogy. But if you don't, you know, if you only get like three hours of sleep a night for several nights the next night that sounds awful. I know it does. It's horrible. But if that happens the next night you go to bed, your body automatically jumps to REM sleep much faster. It doesn't wait for the whole cycle, so it gets to that restorative sleep quicker. If you are at a detriment, If you deprive yourself.
Brad Aldrich:If you deprive yourself. No.
Kate Aldrich:I don't think this happened when my kids were little. I'm just saying.
Brad Aldrich:It did. It's just we didn't still get enough. I don't think so, but I think so. I think there's some of that that would need to happen in your relationship. So we don't have much time, so we have to get to the restorative connected faster, more intentional. So it's, we're going to, we're not going to sit and watch TV and just relax and hang out together, we're going to, you know, grab a glass of wine and sit across from each other and really talk you know that you're doing more intentional.
Kate Aldrich:The wine will be counterproductive, it's true.
Brad Aldrich:fall asleep, at least for brad and I, but I think like doing things that are very, very intentional in connecting with a limited time which is probably difficult, because people are already at a deficit with that thing you called tiredness and sleep correct and so it probably is something you want to go to to just chill and watch a show, and I get that and there is that place for that.
Kate Aldrich:I'm not saying every time you have 20 minutes you need to stare in each other's eyes deeply and talk but if you're never doing that, right and you're only ever going to the. I'm'm going to bed or we're going to watch a show, or these things are not, or can we have sex now? Oh, okay. Right that actually takes quite a bit of energy.
Brad Aldrich:I know it does, but that becomes especially when it's guys who then want.
Kate Aldrich:Or girls, it just depends.
Brad Aldrich:But when it's guys who are working a lot that is one of the things we hear that they make that time a priority, but nothing else gotcha well, yes, um, it's.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, the connection is important, like continuing to grow and keep that connection intentional and alive, right and and I think brad and I give a lot of recommendations of tools and different things, different amounts, but this really is why we end up meeting with a lot of these couples is because it really is thinking outside the box okay, what right?
Kate Aldrich:and being intentional. You don't have to be intentional every time. You have 20 minutes together, but you could do that three or four times out of the week. That would be incredible right. And, like I said, brad and I have tried to, and you all, if you've listened to us for any length of time, know that we did not always do this well, but we are super intentional. So you know, we started this week like, if we look at this time last week, we started at a deficit.
Kate Aldrich:Not to imagine our well, just because the month has been crazy, but also what was coming up, our normal work days. And we looked to Sunday and we're like, okay, we have to do that grad party. We love doing it. She's like another daughter to us. But then we were like we're going to go do something the two of us, right, right, and honestly, in some ways I think we could both be honest we were both so exhausted we would have probably skipped it.
Kate Aldrich:Could have easily just been like okay, let's just do nothing. Yes, right, and you can do that too with the uniqueness of your job. I want to honor it.
Brad Aldrich:Yes.
Kate Aldrich:But I also want to say a little bit like don't sell yourselves short. Also, don't make excuses for yourself. Be intentional.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and figure it out Right, and I think that is an okay ask for even the person, the family members who are going along with this. You know, whatever the job is, whatever, Family members?
Kate Aldrich:You mean the spouse of the person?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, the spouse of the person who is, you know, at home or working too. Family members in there. Well, I see what you're saying, yep, but to say hey, yes, I am okay with that. You're doing a super important, really really hard job, but we also are married, we also have kids or we also have this right. That is important to us. So how do I take care of you? Because you're going to come home exhausted from X job, but not like mean that we don't get any space and time either, right, Like so.
Brad Aldrich:I think that's the important conversation is to keep keep going in, trying to push through.
Brad Aldrich:How do we do both and it? What normally happens is it's a fight of you never do this and well, you don't acknowledge all that I am doing. And it's this back and forth argument of each other taking all of the things that they're upset about out each at each other. I think it the conversation needs to start by saying I know how hard you're working for us. I know that this is really hard on you. I know you'd probably love to be home more, but you're not. And I love what you're doing right, and I see what weight it comes at you doing right and I see what weight it comes at you. You know this is reality.
Kate Aldrich:So one, I want to know how to help you, but I also want us to know how we're going to keep working on things and I think, for the opposite spouse like I know how hard you are working at supporting yes, me yes and, uh, being accommodating of what I, the time I need, what I, what is required of me, whether you're raising kids or not, like putting that in there, like I realize how much time you spend with the kiddos versus me, you know it is really important for us to, number one, be on the same team, right? Look at the problem together, face it together, instead of each other becoming the problem. The problem really is we all have only a certain amount of time, but you two, as a couple, probably have even less. So that's the problem, not the two of you. And then how do we have compassion for each other's perspective? It doesn't matter if one gets to stay home more than the other yes remember, like if someone is staying home there's a weight there
Kate Aldrich:there is an emotional lack of sacrifice, there's a lack of yeah, there's.
Kate Aldrich:I mean that I homemakers. If you are just home doing that, I know I probably shouldn't say just like, that is still hard, sure For sure. I do think that's a little bit different to talk about. If you are keeping the home and all of that but don't necessarily have other responsibilities, I do think it is different. It's just different to talk about it. It doesn't mean one's worse than the other, but like honoring what it's like for each one of you and being able to hold that in a kind way.
Brad Aldrich:And how you balance it and what you can do and what you can't do in some of this. It and what you can do and what you can't do in some of this. And I think it is one of those things in a conversation that needs to happen regularly. Like there are expectations that we put on each other based on our assumption of time, and then, you know, things change and we don't necessarily go back and have that conversation on time again, and I think it is one of those things that we need to be regularly doing of like okay, so I'm going to be doing this. You know these are your responsibilities versus mine. Like that needs to be renegotiated. Like this is not 1950 anymore. These are your responsibilities versus mine. That needs to be renegotiated. This is not 1950 anymore.
Brad Aldrich:We don't get to sit here and just have expectations on. This is what his responsibilities are. This is what hers are. I think most homes in America now are two-income homes, are two-income homes and yet last statistics I saw still even in two-income homes, the wife is doing 80% of the housework.
Kate Aldrich:Mm-hmm, we should work on that. We should make sure for our family. We're beating that statistic.
Brad Aldrich:And you say that, but I've been asking you for the last three months.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, here we go guys.
Brad Aldrich:But I've been asking you the last couple of months because up until I would say like three months ago, we were pretty intentional of keeping your time with Aldrich Ministries about halftime because you were doing a lot of all of the rest of that stuff.
Kate Aldrich:I would say it's been longer than that, probably six months, but okay.
Brad Aldrich:And yeah, over the last three to six months your halftime has certainly grown to at least three-quarter time. And sometimes full-time, and sometimes full-time, and I keep asking you okay, wait a minute, you're doing full-time, what's going to give? What should I be doing more now in trying to figure out how to balance that?
Kate Aldrich:I've been trying to be intentional about that, but we haven't directly said the last six months have been crazy, so I don't know that I've heard the conversation that way. That's an interesting, interesting thing to for us to throw around there, sir, but I, I, yeah, I don't, I don't know. Do you feel like other than I know, like I don't? Know there's a deficit, yet that I feel sometimes I'm not getting the laundry done as quick as I normally did, or things like that. But I don't, I don't know, I haven't.
Brad Aldrich:Also, we're now entering summer, which summer it's totally changes, but you know what then this may lead us into. This is one of the topics that we talked about potentially doing a podcast on that. I recognize that there is a mental load that you carry about family things that I'm very willing to do the task load but not necessarily you still do a lot of the mental load. So, for instance, right, it's nighttime.
Kate Aldrich:I know what do you mean. Yes, it's not morning here, guys, we're doing a nighttime podcast.
Brad Aldrich:I'm super happy. I enjoy cooking. Oh it's the cooking. Well, that's just an example. I don't necessarily usually plan that you end up doing most of the shopping, but that you end up doing most of the shopping, and so a lot of times what happens is I'll look at our schedule, I'll look at my schedule and go. I'm happy to cook tonight. Did you have any thoughts? Which means you are still doing the mental load of what's in the house. What should we cook?
Kate Aldrich:that kind of stuff which I recognize and I may be doing the task, but you're still doing the load. This is where the the internet needs to be able to see my facial expressions.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, did you see my role?
Kate Aldrich:My eye.
Brad Aldrich:Cause you you actually do often talk about like that place of I don't want to have that mental load kind of thing?
Kate Aldrich:It's not. Yes, I would like not to, but I also don't always think about it the way I should. Our 18-year-old always texts what's for dinner. My response what makes you think I know what's for dinner?
Brad Aldrich:Well, but then sometimes it does work, Like yesterday you literally were putting in an order for groceries.
Kate Aldrich:Yep guys, I do Instacart. I am not ashamed.
Brad Aldrich:Yep Instacart can sponsor us.
Kate Aldrich:We'd be happy to oh yes, absolutely instacart, I love you how, and that has helped you have changed my life timing and marriage.
Brad Aldrich:So, um, there you go. There's a little advertising plug there. But um, you were doing that and I kind of said, okay, I, I'm home tomorrow, let me cook. And you're like great, here's the order. And so then I did go through and go okay, here's something I can cook and planned it like. I will say, I do that sometimes but horrible at that.
Brad Aldrich:I'll just confess it but I think for many things, even outside of cooking, like the party, like those kind things, you keep the mental to-do list of what needs done and I'm willing to do the tasks and I recognize doing the tasks as part of it. But mental load is a big deal and I do, I'm aware of this, I think, a lot of times, even in times where there's shared tasks there, not shared mental load, and that does have a consequence yeah, I think that definitely when the kids were younger I definitely felt that I don't feel it as much anymore.
Kate Aldrich:But I get, I do believe that's true for many of the stay-at-home spouses that they feel that mental yeah family load as well as potentially whatever else they're doing, because a lot of stay-at-home spouses have something they're doing on the side to make a little extra money or whatever. So I mean I don't. I guess there are a few years I was truly stay-at-home, but I've always also kind of had right my photography business.
Brad Aldrich:Like it, it wasn't for very long but I even think through, like your photography business, like when you went into a season of doing photography because you were always kind of primarily seasonal, it would be like around mother's day and around fall you would do a ton, and then fall, but yeah we would kind of like shift some of the responsibilities and timing and have those conversations.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Which is kind of what we're talking about in when things shift.
Brad Aldrich:But I'll also say you know, obviously conversation is really important and maybe it's another topic and certainly let us know if you want to hear more about this idea of who's carrying the mental load in your family. That might be a topic for the future, but I think it's something we don't realize, because there is two sides of mental load. Right, like I recognize, I'll just using us. You absolutely carry the mental load on the things that need done for our kids, their events, their schedule.
Brad Aldrich:You carry the mental load for a lot of the household chores in general right, Like even if you're not doing them, you are absolutely carrying the load of what needs done right yeah 100%.
Brad Aldrich:On the other side, I would say I carry the mental load on things like finances or our car insurance that we just re-upped for way too much money or like, absolutely like those kind of things that I think you are often surprised how much I'm carrying that mental load, because I'll mention something and you're like oh man, I didn't even realize. You know that I don't always know the timing. I do know you're carrying the mental.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, yeah man, I didn't even realize, you know that I don't always know the timing I do know you're carrying the mental, yeah, yeah but I don't think you always realize, like how much I'm thinking about it is. Oh, is that's kind of what I mean by that. So I think both spouses end up carrying pieces of their mental load, whatever that that is, and it does have a weight on each other yeah.
Kate Aldrich:So, and I think that's important to know, even in these high pressure, high demand jobs, that that still is happening for the other spouse and for the one who's doing it all. And you know, just bringing this up, I think we felt a need to like give this a voice, because these couples are out there right. It can also you know we were even talking like it can be if you have a kiddo with huge mental or physical needs that they require a ton of your time.
Kate Aldrich:And we have done podcasts on that, specifically because we live that as a family different, specifically because we live that as a family different. But the mental capacity is where we, some of our kiddos, struggle and so just knowing we see you, it is different and I want to acknowledge that right. When we act like it's not, that doesn't help. When people say, oh yeah, you know. When somebody says, you know, I know for us what's been a challenge and I will just challenge people out there. You know.
Kate Aldrich:When we share with you what truly, uh truly, our home environment is like at times, that means you're in our inner circle, because it also is important to honor our children. But it is difficult and I won't get into all of that. But when people will say things to me like, oh yeah, when my teenager went through a phase, that's hard because we're not talking about teenage phases here, well, actually we are, but we're talking about teenage phases on top of tons of trauma and it's just not the same. And so what I'm saying through that is we want to honor. This is different. You are facing more things. Your spouse has signed up for things that a lot of other spouses have never had to sign up, for we're hearing you. We're also saying don't let it be an excuse that your marriage can't be really connected and really good.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and that you guys go through it together.
Kate Aldrich:Just remember and know that. You know some people don't get it and it's okay that those people don't feel safe to talk to about it, but it's also not an excuse to stay in the place of like we don't know what to do. We don't you know it's an opportunity for good things Right.
Brad Aldrich:And I will, you know, plug in there. We end up talking to a lot of these couples because it's they don't fit the cookie cutter. You know we can't, we're not going to do it like all the books say. So we need to figure out how we're going to make it through either this season or this job or this whatever, because we want to and we're passionate about that. But we need to support each other. So I do plug. Hey, you know, maybe think about getting some coaching and using that as a space to work out some of the details.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I mean, I think first honestly not to talk us down, because I think meeting with one of our coaches would be phenomenal, but have the conversation first yourselves and see where you can figure it out, and if you're able to figure it out on your own, go for it Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich:But sometimes we've dug ourselves a little bit deeper and it feels you're able to figure it out on your own, go for it. But sometimes we've dug ourselves a little bit deeper and it feels a lot harder to figure that out. And that's when I think coaches can be super helpful, because they should honor where you are, honor that it's hard, but also say, okay, we don't want you guys to stay here.
Brad Aldrich:Right and stuck yeah Right. Well, I hope that was helpful. We kind of meandered around a couple of different things, but it's okay. It's a good thing. So, yeah, I hope that was helpful to you as you continue your journey.
Kate Aldrich:For sure. I was just going to say you probably don't want to pause for me, but when you said we're not in the 1950s anymore, I want to say, honey, do you realize we're actually closer to the 2050s than we are to 1950s.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, we're much much yes. Okay. I just wanted to make sure you were on that ship. I know that.
Brad Aldrich:Right, but I think a lot of Christian families still live in 1950s, so I think we do have to challenge some of that.
Kate Aldrich:It's so funny because if you look at you and I, we never lived in the 1950s.
Brad Aldrich:We may sound old, but we're not that old.
Kate Aldrich:But I think there is some values, but our parents did.
Brad Aldrich:There's some values of the 50s that have been perpetrated through evangelical Christianity that are not necessarily biblical in any way. Oh of course, that are part of that culture, so that's where it's coming from. But, yeah, I hope that was helpful to all of you and we're going to continue on this journey of Still Becoming One, and we hope that you join us Until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.