Still Becoming One

Do Your Own Work: Why Personal Healing Transforms Your Marriage

• Brad & Kate Aldrich • Season 5 • Episode 14

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Brad and Kate, licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches, dive into the vital topic of “doing your own work” and how personal healing impacts marriage health, communication, and intimacy. 

They unpack common church-influenced pushbacks: “we just need to pray more,” “I’ll use accountability,” and “why go back to childhood?”  This episode blends faith, neuroscience, story work, and marriage coaching to help couples break cycles, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate hope and joy.

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Aldrich Ministries

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.

Kate Aldrich:

In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches, we help couples to regain hope and joy.

Kate Aldrich:

We invite you to journey with us as we are still becoming one.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone. Welcome back to Still Becoming One.

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome.

SPEAKER_00:

Now I just wait for you to hear.

Kate Aldrich:

I'm feeling particularly mischievous and snarky this morning, so.

SPEAKER_00:

Mischievous and snarky? Okay.

Kate Aldrich:

Wait a second. You say uh-oh, like it's a surprise.

SPEAKER_00:

I didn't know you were mischievous and snarky.

Kate Aldrich:

I don't know, I just feel it inside of me.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Alright, I'm in trouble. Um yeah, so do we want to check in? Other than mischievous and snarky?

Kate Aldrich:

Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

You would be the other then tell the nice people what we've been up to.

Kate Aldrich:

Tell the nice people. Aw, he thinks you're all nice. That's a that's cute. Um, I'm sure you are all nice, actually. Uh I have to tell them what we've been up to.

SPEAKER_00:

We're coming off of our second weekend. Um, I don't know why they call it a weekend. It's longer than a weekend, but still, our second intensive period of training for our narrative-focused trauma care um level two. And um, you know, we've done, we've talked so much here about the Allender Center and how much we appreciate them and really how much we value that education and learning, but their experiences are so much more than just like information and education. I mean, it is like lots of hours, but it's both download of information, but also some really personal emotional time sent in group and processing and learning how to facilitate even better and uh like all these kinds of things that are just emotionally tiring.

SPEAKER_02:

Mm-hmm.

Kate Aldrich:

I mean, I think the reality is they'd be exhausting regardless of like sitting through something like that for four days. Yeah. Um, actually, I think the Allener, the the teachers often call it week two.

SPEAKER_00:

So that's more accurate. It's Thursday through Sunday, so it's it's a long, long stint.

Kate Aldrich:

Four days may not feel like an actual week, but the amount of time is definitely a week.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So um it's like 30 hours that we're in class or group or you know, something like teaching time, yeah. Four days, so it's a lot. Um but it's so amazing. Uh, do you want to give any highlights, things that you walked away from with wow, um lots.

Kate Aldrich:

I and I mean, and I think my my processing style, like I will still be processing. In fact, what happens in teaching time, not so much, like that. I feel like I'm processing as it's happening. But doing reading my own stories, having them processed with a group, which is not as much the point this time, but it's still happening. Um, and then facilitating someone else's reading, there is so much that I'm taking in about myself and my style of relating, all different kinds of things that I have been writing things down all weekend, and I think um I am still gonna be processing them. I'm thinking about what would be a takeaway that I feel like I've solidified or what not. Um, I don't know. Do you have one?

SPEAKER_00:

I I mean, there's definitely some things I'm processing again about my story, right? That's one of these interesting things is we're jumping into our own work in the middle of learning how to do work better. And that's kind of the point, right? Like kind of the emphasis of this second level is hey, your story impacts you as a facilitator, and we need to see those places and times where it does so that we become better facilitators. So I I think there that means you're doing a lot of your own work. Um, I think there are, you know, there's always places that you need to grow. And, you know, I'm learning some things about my facilitation style that are things that I want to get better, you know. And um, you know, just some things that got pointed out as as we're processing. It's like, okay, I can do that better to help people sit with their stories differently, better, you know, kind of thing. So I I think that's probably some of my work-wise takeaways. Um, I I mean, one of the things I don't mind saying it here, the one of the things that I recognize I know is I really want people to have like the aha moment, the insight, the light bulb. And sometimes I push to that almost too quickly um and need to like slow down and let them sit and let their body process because otherwise the aha moment might not land in the same way.

Kate Aldrich:

So well, and you know, it's interesting. I think the nature of story work is in the Allender Center sets it up this way, very slow, gradual like work, and yet many of our clients are coming in a space where they want answers quickly, which is honorable. Yes. Um, it's also probably something we as a team at Aldrich Ministries could work on better of helping people understand it's it's a slower process. Well, and I mean you can come and we can do it in a quicker fashion, but like there are things you're missing.

SPEAKER_02:

I agree.

Kate Aldrich:

But it's also, I mean, I also feel the tension of financially that's hard for people to like right. They're willing to make the commitment, but for many people, it's like I can't commit to coming forever, like indefinitely, true kind of thing. So I think those are the tensions.

SPEAKER_00:

I think another part of that tension, and this is a question I ask a lot of people on first session, is almost like tell me what the straw that broke the camel's back was. What finally got you to actually go, okay, I need to call someone and get some help? Because I think a lot of people think about it for a really long time. A lot of people want to do it for a long time. And it often takes, unfortunately, a negative something to push people to go, all right, I have to do it. And then they walk in going, I need to fix this thing. And then it's like, oh, we've got to you gotta help me with this thing. This, you know, whether it be my marriage is falling apart, or this part of our marriage is falling apart, or I've got this problem that's surfaced, or it's it becomes very focused on the immediate. Yeah. Which is certainly different than really going into, hey, let's let's do a slow pulling back what's really been the motivating factors in your life. Let's actually take a look at why you keep making the same mistakes over and over again, or why you keep doing the same things over and again. Maybe maybe not even mistakes. Right. Why do we why do we fall into those same patterns?

Kate Aldrich:

Sure. Yeah, totally. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, I I coming off of it, like, yeah, I'm tired.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I can feel that.

Kate Aldrich:

And it's really tired, but also really snarky.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm in trouble. Why do you always say that?

Kate Aldrich:

Why do you say we should unpack that right now? Why do you say you're in trouble if I'm snarky?

SPEAKER_00:

Because that's that's what my story is. You're the king. I'm in trouble.

Kate Aldrich:

Oh, gotcha. But you're the oh, but your parents weren't fun snarky. I'm fun.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

Kate Aldrich:

Wait a second. Are you implying that I am not?

SPEAKER_00:

You definitely are. It's just sometimes when you're snarky and I'm not, I don't know what to expect. And when it's being recorded for everyone to see, I'm like, oh hey, I warned you.

Kate Aldrich:

I know.

SPEAKER_00:

Aren't you don't you feel so this leads us directly into doing your own work? Our topic for today. I don't know why.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah, I was like, wait a second, are you telling me I need to do work because I'm snarky?

SPEAKER_00:

No, I don't know. No, I I mean, I think it was a really interesting thing that you had brought up that uh to talk about of just, you know, we love working with couples. I think it's something that we do that I truly enjoy. I love it when I get to do it with you and work together with a couple. Um, but we also end up working with a lot of individuals who have said, I have some work to do. I have some things that I need to unpack. And I think there's this question of does that make me the problem in our marriage? Does that mean, you know, I I have to be responsible for everything? And well, there's just maybe that's a place to start. Is you know, how do you encourage people when they need to do some of their own work, how do you encourage them to dive in?

Kate Aldrich:

Well, it's funny you said that, like, am I the problem? I was kind of I kind of got a little stuck there. Like, I think there are things, and I think we definitely used to ascribe to them like yes, yes. Am I the problem? Yes, right, and in on some levels, yes. But I also would like to um speak to that and alleviate it a little bit, and also say, do we have to look at it as I'm the problem, or that we both bring dynamics, which we understand and um credit to your story. Like we both bring things that specific to us and our relationship are going to make it challenging.

SPEAKER_00:

Correct. Correct, right.

Kate Aldrich:

So, yes, in one essence, you are the problem, and I think the church really kind of pushes that. They do both pendulum swings of like one person, like they can certainly focus on one spouse sometimes to a detriment, which is just wrong, not helpful. It just yeah. Or you're both your biggest marital problem kind of attitude.

SPEAKER_00:

Which I I wish it was more of that. You're you're exactly right. I can see the pendulum swing, and so it it goes really strong because historically, regularly, we see the church blaming a lot of marriage problems on women, especially sexual problems, right? Like, oh well, if if she, right? Um, so I I think you're exactly right. I'll flip that script though and say, I see the church a lot of times supporting, you know, if he was just more spiritual, if he was actually the gonna be the head of the household, if he was stepping up and doing what he should, then you wouldn't be having these problems too. So like the guy is the the problem.

Kate Aldrich:

Yep, those are two very true statements, and they're they're incredibly motivating, but also not really helpful.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

Kate Aldrich:

That's the talent.

SPEAKER_00:

Like they're replacing blame and making the person on the opposite side feel better.

Kate Aldrich:

It's negative motivation.

SPEAKER_00:

Actually, doing anything positive.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, people come in with all different kinds of expectations, and of course, we listen and take those into consideration, but we are always looking for the opportunities to enter into the story bits that are present with individuals, always with but even with couples, right? Because that is the information that is truly gonna allow a space of healing and understanding.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think it is so necessary if we want to get out of the cycles that we're in. And that can be true for an individual, and it's for sure true for a couple. You know, it I think most couples will admit that they have the same fight or same two or three fights over and over again with maybe slightly different subject matter, but it's the same style, the same pattern, the same accusations thrown at each other, just with a different subject matter.

Kate Aldrich:

Well, probably if we looked at those and dissected them, they're probably the same fight.

SPEAKER_00:

They they could be, right? Yeah.

Kate Aldrich:

Not always, but probably it's the same wounds that are being tended to in those fights that or conflicts.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, we want to get to those, one or hopefully both of you need to get into your story to figure out why that dynamic is there. What it is that's actually pushing that felt need. Right, because I really truly believe most people are not out there trying to make their spouse out to be the enemy, trying to make their spouse uh, you know, feel crazy, trying to, you know, ruin their relationship. I think most of them are walking in their stuff, trying to make it the best they know how, and we regularly miss each other in the same places.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah, absolutely. And and we're talking about, you know, we started the subject of like doing this process together. Well, you brought up kind of the marriage, but I also think that's a really good thing. But I I think it's also really good for individuals, for your own individual health, and then for the byproduct of the health of your marriage. It's really amazing when we honor that we each have work to do.

SPEAKER_00:

For sure.

Kate Aldrich:

Right. But m a lot of times we see the the pattern of well, if you just did what you need to do, right. Dude the work, the well, the change, the, you know, or you got help, then we would be in a much different place.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. The accusation rather than an invitation. But I even want to caution it, you know, making an invitation for somebody else is pretty problematic. Like they have to come to a place where they are wanting to do their work.

Kate Aldrich:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

As you're saying, like spouses trying to spouse going, hey, why don't you go to therapy for a little while? Like that rare. I mean, I I think sometimes the conversation needs to happen because people haven't felt the permission to do so. They haven't felt the permission to sometimes it's spend the money, they haven't spent, you know, had the permission to spend the time. And so sometimes we need the conversation to happen. But I don't think it should be. Hey, I think you probably should benefit from or would benefit from some therapy, which I I do think everyone could benefit from some, but I I'm not sure saying it that way probably works the best.

Kate Aldrich:

So, how would you say it? I can't wait to hear this. You guys all ready?

SPEAKER_00:

I I there was the snark.

unknown:

Oh man.

Kate Aldrich:

There's the snark.

SPEAKER_00:

I think at best, like if you think let's take the best situation that you are somebody who's already doing your work. You've gotten invested in your story, you've done um some coaching or counseling, and you really do see the benefit of it. Um, I think the then the best thing to encourage your spouse to would be having a conversation with them about what you've learned about yourself and how that has helped you and their your relationship. And then saying something to the effect of if you ever want to go on this exploration for yourself, I want to make sure we make space for that.

Kate Aldrich:

I think that's pretty good. I would amend it with one thing. I would stick to just what it's taught you about you and not sure how it's and now I'm doing this so perfectly in our marriage, right? Like I would avoid that. I would just, yeah, I would just talk about what you've learned about yourself, how you see it reflected in the things that you do, and the kindness you're bringing to try and work with that. Yeah. Um, and I would just leave it at that. I I think the benefits of your marriage, hopefully, that person is starting to see, but pointing them out, depending on where you are in your marriage journey and and how um your communication has either been flowed well or isn't a problematic point. I could just see that becoming a point of tension. So I think I would leave that for a later discussion when that's invited.

SPEAKER_00:

That's good. Um, but so let me throw out the pushbacks that I hear all the time. Um to doing

Kate Aldrich:

Your own work?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, to doing your own work. So um I'll just I'll start with like the churchy pushback of we don't need therapy, we just need to pray more.

Kate Aldrich:

Okay. Um praying is not bad. But maybe there is no butt. Praying is not bad, and neither is therapy. There are two different processes, and yes, the Holy Spirit could bring those things, those revelations to you in your prayer time. Absolutely. We're not limiting him. However, the whole like he created us to be in community, to right. We don't I like the challenge I have with only praying is it's very isolating in many senses. Not that it's, you know, like I mean, Jesus went off to pray. We see that lots of times, and he was praying by himself. So it is not in and of itself, it is a good practice. It is not the only practice and the only way for us to receive and learn things about ourselves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. No, I I agree with that completely. I think that's a really good answer. It's not no, that's not helpful. It's just I think lots of opportunities for more than that exist.

Kate Aldrich:

And we were made for community. We were made to bounce things off of each other, right? And and and yeah, I think I'll just stop there.

SPEAKER_00:

So, all right, another pushback that I think I've heard before is uh, you know, I'll just talk with my friends or get an accountability partner or you know, have somebody who's gonna help me change this thing, habit, whatever. What would you say?

Kate Aldrich:

Those are all good things again, like they're all good things. I don't think they address the why.

unknown:

Right.

Kate Aldrich:

And, you know, Dan Alender and his teaching team and everything are very good at communicating that if we can't address the actual harm that happened that brought us to this, dot dot dot.

SPEAKER_00:

That strategy, that whatever.

Kate Aldrich:

We're going to struggle to change it right in any sort of um permanent's not a good word, but like consistent fashion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And then we're often stuck repeating it with our own family, our own children.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

For sure. We end up repeating that same pattern and calling out the same things and creating some of the same things. So it it is an important thing to push. I I I would say I am not sure I am I know any accountability type relationship that has worked by itself in the long term. Accountability relationships, the ones that I know are usually very short-lived and maybe help with a little bit of immediate behavior change. Maybe. But they don't really change stuff. And that's the thing with talking to your friend, you're now, you know, maybe your friend's got some great advice, comes great ideas, but unless they're actually knowing where you know where to go, they're giving you what's worked for them, which is could be great, but a lot of times maybe not.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah. I think that's I think that's very true. Again, it's not these things are have their place. It's it's it's okay for you to implement them. I just think they the church has repeatedly, I guess in a um we'll give it in a fashion of trying to help, provided answers that aren't reflective of what's actually happening. It's just a blanket answer I can give to everybody who's struggling with something. And it's like that is bypassing the fact that the Lord made us all so intricately unique.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah. What about the idea of uh nothing's really gonna change? If I'm just doing it myself, nothing's really gonna change. They need to, like, especially if you're dealing with a relationship issue. Um, you know, my going to counseling is not gonna change my husband's crappy habit of XYZ.

Kate Aldrich:

Uh yeah, that's probably true. That you going and working on yourself isn't necessarily going to bring change about your spouse. Like that is something they have to want, desire, move towards. But also it's amazing. I think every single one of us has been inspired by others at times or motivated by seeing something different in someone else. Or, you know, so I think there is space for that to be impactful. But in some hands, you're right, but there is a piece of you matter. Yeah. I mean, it's not a piece, it's the truth. It is you matter, and so getting you to a place where that's a really good thing, that you matter, and you realizing what level of I matter and health I need just to be here on earth, just to be a human, and then in your marriage, I think that's vital.

SPEAKER_00:

That's really good. That's really good. Yeah, I I I I agree. You cannot go in order to with the goal of just changing your spouse. You need to go with the goal of what do I need to do? How do I need to grow my side? How do I need to understand myself better? And this is actually a caution. Um, it's something that we teach all of our Alderch Ministries coaches to watch out for. There is this thing that happens when we go to individual, when we're discouraged about our spouse that we can very easily get into a pattern of coming to that person and convincing them how awful they are. And convincing them, I can't believe my husband did this, I can't believe my husband did this, I can't believe my wife did this, I can't, you know, and and look at all this list of things that they did to hurt me. And some of that's important to get off your chest. Like I want to give some space to that. But if that's all that's happening, and your count coach, your therapist is just going, Oh my goodness, you're right. They're so awful. Without having met that person, there's some problems because they're not helping you grow. They're just joining you in pointing the finger that this problem is all the other person. And I'm not saying it's not somewhat the other person. Like there is some reality. Yes, your spouse has some things to grow. No, I don't care how good or bad they are, they have some things to do. But if you're going to therapy to get somebody to validate that your spouse is really the problem, I think maybe you'd need a different coach or therapist, right?

Kate Aldrich:

Like, I think the challenge is gonna be you're never the problem in but right, like it's not it, it's not helping you. I think there's a place, obviously, for therapists and coach to call out unhealthy, unsafe, wrong behavior. 100% and and say, Do you realize you're living in a situation where this is not okay, this is not good, this is not safe, like those sorts of things. Um but when we're seeing the average, for lack of better term, average, um, it's not unsafe. It's not right, it's it's not great, but it's not abuse.

SPEAKER_00:

We're seeing a difficult system, a difficult relationship, a volatile relationship kind of thing.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah. Then it we have to tend to what's here and why.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. Right. And and what's my role in it? What's what's my part of the story when that person does this? How am I feeling? What's that bringing up for me? Where did that belief come from? What what's my relationship with anger, right? Is it I use anger to push people away? Is it I only get angry at myself and I'm not allowed to be angry? Is it like there's so many different dynamics here that we need to take the time to look at our own work to better understand our relationship? And and I will tell you, I I fight this all the time with clients, they don't know I'm fighting them, but of trying to acknowledge like, yes, your spouse has their stuff. I want to hear it, I want to be there with you. If you need to vent, I get it. But if all I do is validate you're right, they're awful, then all it's doing is pulling your marriage apart. And that is not truly helping anyone until like if they're at a place where they're saying, that's it, I filed divorce papers, I'm done, then okay. But even then, I will say, even in that space, I'm still going, okay, what are you going to learn about yourself from this situation?

Kate Aldrich:

Or you're just going to take the same patterns into another relationship.

SPEAKER_00:

That's right. It's your own stuff, you know, that that you need to think about and deal with.

Kate Aldrich:

I think the, you know, the other thing that I hear a lot of specifically from the Christian crowd. And this this may also be true outside of it, but I hear this specifically of like, why does everything have to go back to my childhood? And can't we just forgive? Can't we just forgive? Like my parents were doing the best they could. Yes. Or like, and some of it you'll hear that my parents are doing the best they could, the the adult kid trying to protect the parents, but there's also pressure from parents, which we addressed a little this of like, why does everything have to go back to their childhood?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's a great question. And there's some really good answers. One, because research has shown over and over again, core parts of our personality are formed in those formative years. So as we have were trying to figure out the world, our brain was growing by leaps and bounds. And so it put synapses together, which is how the brain communicates of this thing and this thing that repeat in a pattern over and over again. So when I feel this, I do this. And that got established at five, six, seven, like they're so early in our thinking, and then we repeat those patterns. And so we have to figure out how to rewire those synapses. We have to go back to where they were formed. So there is science behind why do we go to our childhood?

Kate Aldrich:

So wait, you're saying the very thing that Christians don't know what to do with God created us that way?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Right? God created us to be raised in a safe, loving, supported environment.

Kate Aldrich:

So you're kind of fighting the way God made us.

unknown:

Correct.

SPEAKER_00:

And if we were not raised in that safe, loving, warm environment where we got to safely explore this world, that we got to make mistakes and it be okay, that we got to it, you know, figure out our way of relating with ourselves and others in a safe place. If we have that, we often launch into the world as very stable people. Now, everybody has some wounds, right? Because we are fallen. Everybody has wounds. I don't care. You don't have perfect parents, they don't exist. But there is sometimes more stability, more like that that your parents were able to give you. That's how we were made to have our brain be built around that environment. And when it wasn't, there are consequences.

Kate Aldrich:

The really loving lie. That's you know, I don't know that I've ever heard someone describe a lie as really loving.

SPEAKER_00:

I I think it is honoring, right? And we are called to honor our father and mother.

Kate Aldrich:

I think that's a better descriptor, yes.

SPEAKER_00:

And so we try to take care of our parents by saying they tried their best. And often we look back at those wound stories that are stuck in our head and we go, well, what were they supposed to do? Oh, they didn't even know that was going on. Or, you know, I yeah, what would my dad actually do? Come on, it's not like he hurt me, he didn't like mean to, like we create excuses and normalize things that hurt us all the time. And it is our way of escaping the emotions of not being seen, of not being cared for by saying they tried their best. And I think that is all I want to say, I think that is most of the time a true statement. There are very few parents who are out there trying to hurt their children. Very few. But all parents try their best. It doesn't mean that harm didn't happen. It doesn't mean that hurt didn't happen. It doesn't mean that things were weren't missed that sometimes needs to be talked about.

Kate Aldrich:

I agree. I think the statement my parents were doing their best is true and also not, right? Like I think that's they were with their current skills due to their story and what they've processed, that was what they could do.

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

Kate Aldrich:

The truth also is that's often super harmful, yeah, super hurtful. Right. Right? Like, because yeah, because we are acting out of those wounds. If we don't understand them, we are not necessarily repeating them. People tend to say that it could be that you do it in the same fashion, but often not necessarily. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I want to put in there, like the the fact of, you know, why do we have to look at my parents? I they tried their best. We always are thinking about the negative things and saying, well, they didn't know any better, they didn't, they didn't feel any better. If you want to honor your parents well, stop pulling up just the negatives and letting them off the hook. Start going, okay, wait, what did my parent do really well? When was a time that they actually really saw me? When was a moment, when was the five minutes of care that you may have felt? When was the space that they were acting as the parent that they really wanted to be? And let's hold on to that beautiful, wonderful, my parents were really trying, and then allow ourselves the space to say, and in that time they really missed it.

Kate Aldrich:

I I think there's also the fear that, like, if I do this work, um, and and not necessarily this isn't to fear in your marriage relationship, but if I do this work, I'm gonna somehow, the way to help is to confront my parents.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, good, good point.

Kate Aldrich:

And I I I feel like I sometimes that comes up, and sometimes people feel a very strong need in that area. But I also engage and invite a conversation of, you know, what's your goal with that? What do you think that's going to accomplish? Because for many people, not all, it doesn't ever need to be a conversation or a conversation the way you think it would be. Um, doesn't mean we sometimes don't address boundaries or, you know, I would appreciate it if this you didn't do this to me or whatever. Like, but it's not this full-on, I think people often picture it, and maybe this is just me, but kind of like those um the TV shows where it's like, and well, I know you therapists call it some what is it when you do a intervention, intervention, right? The where we have to sit down with mom and dad and and we have to tell them everything and we have to like and they have to take it and somehow that's gonna make everything better. I mean but that it has to be like that, and it's like I that that's could it sure, I'm not sure how productive that's gonna be. Um, but it often, if conversations happen, if they don't have to look anything like that, right? And and so I wanna relieve that tension of like, you're not gonna be asked to do that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, that is so good. I'm really glad you said that because I think most people Go, okay, now I have to dig up this stuff about my parents and I have to go blow up that relationship. No, you don't. No, you don't. Are you gonna maybe hold it in a different way? And maybe you're going to need to recognize some self-care around relationship with them, maybe, but you're already doing that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Right? You're yeah. Whether it's healthy or not, we don't know. But let's let's look at that. We're already doing just that and try and figure out understanding why and helping you to navigate what that looks like. And you're exactly right. And I see it all the time. In fact, I usually warn people is if we're getting into stories, I see people all the time running and going, Okay, mom and dad, I uncovered all this stuff. What do you gotta say about it? And it not usually going well. Because you've done some work doesn't mean your parents are ready to do the work.

Kate Aldrich:

Yeah. I I mean, and I will speak to the other side. I have clients whose parents are doing their own work and want to have the conversations, and that is a really beautiful thing. Uh painful.

SPEAKER_00:

Painful, but beautiful.

Kate Aldrich:

But beautiful. But it's okay if you know your parents are not even anywhere close to that. It's okay. It's pay it's also painful that they're not.

SPEAKER_00:

If you're a parent, and we said this earlier in that parent session that we did a couple weeks ago. If you're a parent, your goal is to reach out and say, Hey kids, I can hold your stories now. Not hey kids, guess what I found out about my parents and my background? Here's all my stories that I want you to hold so that you understand why I did these things. Right? That may come eventually as kids go. I want to explore your culture, I want to explore our our family situation. Like that may come eventually, but that is not the way to start.

Kate Aldrich:

Right. Right. And I would caution any parent out there who is tempted to just pick up that line and take it to their kids without understanding what it means. What that means. Because that I'll be completely transparent. That would have been me.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I'll go say the right thing and Oh, I just I heard this line on a podcast.

Kate Aldrich:

I'll go say it to my kids with good intention.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah.

Kate Aldrich:

But then but absolutely no skills or understanding.

SPEAKER_00:

I need you to know and immediately get defensive and immediately get like, well, that's that's not the whole story. You you don't know what really happened, right? Like, yeah.

Kate Aldrich:

And I would caution you are going to do more damage that way. More than you already are if you're offering them something really vulnerable and beautiful, but you don't you don't have the skills and the understanding of yourself yet to know how to do it. And and I'm not I'm not implying that you're ever going to be perfect at it. It is a brutal but beautiful process. Yes. As we've entered in with our kids. Uh, I'm sure we've made mistakes even entering in. There's repair to the repair sometimes, right? Like yeah, just a caution. Like because I know there are people out there like me who would have been like, oh, I heard this cool phrase. I'm gonna say it to my kids and all will be well.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Nope, not that. That's good. I I I think it's been a great conversation of just what it, why people enter into their own work and what it means to do it in a way that isn't just about the crisis, right? But is about wait, I'm I'm seeing some patterns play out. I'm seeing some things happen over and over again in my life, and I want to change that. And I think those have been exploring those patterns have been some of the biggest growth moments in my life that I've been able to go, wait, that's why I do that thing. Okay, let me make some shifts, and it doesn't make it all go away, but it is like I can understand it in a very different way, and that's just so good stuff. Well, it is good stuff.

Kate Aldrich:

Should I bring any snark before we go? Yep, absolutely. I didn't bring much.

SPEAKER_00:

And until next.

Kate Aldrich:

Wait, what is that? Oh, wait. You were trying to close it out before I got any snarking? Wowzers! This is a this is a guy who it feels like he doesn't love my snark.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yep, yep, no, just I know you are. Alright, well, I'm so glad that we could uh spend some time with you. I hope you guys got something out of that. And you can use it to still work on becoming one in your relationship.

Kate Aldrich:

It absolutely will benefit that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. Even if you're doing that journey.

Kate Aldrich:

Or forever. There's no guarantees.

SPEAKER_00:

Well. Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.

Kate Aldrich:

And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.

SPEAKER_00:

Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry, courses, and speaking opportunities, you can find us at Aldrich Ministries.com. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media, be sure to visit us at stillbecoming one.com. And don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.